Dispensable

It's so easy to run headlong into the fact that I am dispensable.  That while there are moments where I am needed or made to feel important, overall, in most of my life, I am dispensable.  My kids are older....dress themselves, feed themselves, think for themselves....still sanding off the rough edges, but they are not the needy little children I used to be raising.  My husband needs someone else.  This woman that I've never been....and never want to be.  My family faded away when I quit being the catalyst to make things work.  They didn't really need me......came out of guilt.  Friends are great...but, even there, it is important to remember that I am not indispensable.  New people come.  Others who help better or listen better or understand better.  And life keeps turning.  Changing.  There is this longing in my heart that will probably not be filled this side of heaven.  A longing to know that if I dropped off of the face of the earth tomorrow that it would matter.  I want to be living my life in a manner that is changing things.  Holding things up in prayer.  I am a prayer warrior, but I am not an evangelist.  I am not a preacher.  I am not a counselor.  I make people as irritated as I do happy.  I push them away as much as I hold on.  I am loyal to my very center.  It takes a lot for me to be done with any relationship.....but, when I am, I am. 
I told my husband this weekend that I don't want to be married to him anymore.  Not because it wasn't true...but because it was so true. And it was sad that I didn't even have anyone to tell how hard that was. My friends have enough drama...from lousy marriages and mixed up kids to depression.  It's not like they need to hear my crap.
And then there are the texts.  I am so wary.  This man that is texting me is the ex of a good friend.  And I can't help but wonder why the sudden interest in me.  Earlier this summer he wouldn't even stay on the phone for a second when I was trying to tell him that his ex was in the hospital and that is why she wasn't answering his calls.  He has spent 21/2 years spewing meanness about me.  Saying that I broke up his marriage.  Saying that I'm a lesbian.  Saying that there's a court order against him coming to my home.  Saying that I have unpaid taxes.  Stirring up trouble and trials anywhere he can.  Causing me more pain than I ever let on.  And, long ago, I decided that I simply am not his friend anymore.  But, I am an adult.  And I do believe it is possible to have a working relationship with someone even if you aren't friends.  I believe that being polite is good for the kids.....his kids....that I am close to. These texts throw me.  Over these last couple of years, whenever he acts nice, he has plans in the background.  I don't want to unknowingly participate in such a thing.  I absolutely do not trust him  He was horrible to his family.  Then....and still.  He is not dependable.  So, each text catches me by surprise.
I want to be a good friend.  A good mom.  The one I'm supposed to be.  Was created to be.  I want to be seen.  I guess I want to be enough.  Someone that matters enough that someone's world would absolutely stop if I wasn't in it.  Ya know?  Not talking romance....talking relationship.  Talking sharing.  Talking about being the person that is chosen...not just the person that chooses. 
It has been a really hard week.  Glad I took some time off of work.  Of course, I am working myself silly around my house..  But, that is somehow cathartic. 
Why these tears?  Because I thought that my grown up life would be full of healthy, prayerful, sharing relationships.  And, because I got off track, because I allowed myself to be pushed into changing....now it's just so hard.  I had good friends a long time ago.  I'm actually better at trusting now because I have a friend who has taken a lot of time to help me learn.  I don't just want to have that kind of friend, I want to BE that kind of friend. 
Hard night.  But, off work again tomorrow.  Then, field day with the kindergarteners on Friday.  Life really is good....and longings are ok.  They are the catalyst to get me moving in the direction that I should be.  It's not easy, but it is good.
grace to you.  remember.....I'm praying for you.