Never Know

Whether he's talking to me or not.  Why things aren't fair.  He promises my son that he will only keep him out for 45 minutes.  Son has to go to work.  Shows up nearly two and a half hours later.  Son barely has time to get ready for work, let alone having any down times before he goes there.  But, fast forward a few hours when HE has somewhere to go and wants to drive the car instead of the dinosaur van...which he hasn't said during the day....and he is in a tizzy because I'm not home with the car yet.  I was on my way.  Plenty of time for him to get there.  Barely spoke to me as he left.  Irritated.  I never know what I'm going to get....the grouch or the fake nice.  Don't really like either.  Living together is difficult at best.  But, when I first told him that I was done, there were 6 years left until our last child graduates....now only 41/2!  I don't want to do the big shebang divorce.  I don't want to divide up the kids.  I don't want to share them.  And, he can keep paying for them until they are grown and by then I should be able to take care of myself.  I don't want to deal in money.  Or maintenance,  Or child support.  I don't want to have to communicate.  I don't want to have to fight.  I can be patient because I know that I AM done.  And that I won't play the game anymore.  I'm tired of not knowing what I'll get.  But, at least now I don't have to wonder how that will play out with lawyers or court or child custody or decision making.  He has always left me to make the decisions regarding the children.  So, I would rather be uncomfortable in this way than in a new and unknown way. 
Sometimes I don't think that I can do it for a moment more.  I want to go running, screaming.  Pulling out my hair.  Because......I want to be nice.  Want to be kind.  But his idea of my being nice means that I have to make his life better.  Make it easier.  See to his needs.  Understand his wants.  And I can do it easily.  I KNOW him.  But he doesn't know me.  And he does not think good things about me.  What I have to say about him is this:  he is stuck trying to be with someone he has never really loved.  And being stuck is ok with him.  And, "I don't deserve more" because I'm not as responsible as him. 
Well, I take all of his barbs.  I don't argue about them anymore.  His cutdowns.  His snide remarks.  But, what he doesn't know is......I am free.  He can't damage me.  Make me a little sore.  Hurt.  Troubled.  Cold.  But he doesn't "win".  Because it's not a win/lose situation.  It's just life.  Moving forward.  Changing.  And he gets angry and says that I can't just not love him anymore.  And I tell him that that is true.  But that the love has changed.  Glad we had our kids.   Glad we had our lives.  But not willing to live like this anymore.  But he never listens to that.....he simply badmouths me because I am evil for not giving unconditional love.  Again, I say, "I'm not God, I have tried to love unconditionally.  I haven't stopped loving.  I just need to have boundaries so that I quit being hurt."  It never matters to him how hurt I've been.  Only how he feels.  Now THAT, THAT I KNOW.  On so many fronts I never know which way it will be.....not talking to me or being nauseatingly nice.....but when it all comes down and we are sitting face to face it ALWAYS and consistently comes down to how I'm not a good christian...not behaving like a christian........
Ha.  But, I am.  Because I am a christian.  I may not be behaving like he wishes or thinks is virtuous, but my behavior is that of a christian.  And not with malice or meanness.  I honestly hate hurting him.  He likes pushing me to the hard things.  To show how it's my fault.  Well, the part that is my fault, I take complete responsibility for.  I choose a change.  I choose to live able to breathe.  I choose to live being able to get up in the morning and going to bed at night without a pit in my stomach.  I choose truth......not a game. 
When I don't know what to expect, it makes me constantly on edge.  Like tonight.  He will probably come home from his big choir event all spiritual and such....yet smoldering because I didn't go and see him.  That ticked him off.  And, it makes it so hard to be here wondering when it's over and if I should turn off the lights and go to sleep so I won't have to wonder anymore how it will be when he gets here.  But, I want to watch a show.  Want to enjoy the evening and not needing to work tomorrow.  So, I will choose to play roulette with what will happen.  Makes me shaky and gives me a tummy ache.  But, I CAN do it.  I can choose to live.  I am allowed.  I know that.
grace to you.