Three Days In a Row

I haven't been off three days in a row, in my home, for a long time.  But, this week I took the time.  And, at first I chastised myself.  But, then I realized that mental and emotional health will make me a better teacher.  That doing the things that are at the top of my needs list will help.  So, I have begun.  I am far from finished.  But, I am taking back my life.  Ok, yes, I do it when he's not home...because his remarks are too painful, but still, I AM doing it and that counts.  Every step counts.  Every step is a victory. 
I have needed the time to pray for some special people in my life too.  The time alone working and being quiet affords a great opportunity that way. My mind can turn often to what God can do.  And how to stay out of his way and let Him do it.  That's hard with young people.  Want to make things better.  But every person in this world gets to choose.  Choose how to live.  How to give.  How to serve.  How to love.  How to.....whatever they want.  Because God didn't give limited free choice, He gave complete free choice.  And that makes it hard, but it also makes it good.  He meets every person in the midst of their choices and gives them the opportunity to own it....and then He is willing to own the penalty.  Pretty sweet deal.  Painful to watch.  Painful to go through.  Where there is no recognition of sin...no owning or being responsible...there can be no grace and mercy.  So, I pray.  Because though things can look absolutely troubling, there are worse prisons than those built of stone and steel.  There are the prisons of the heart and mind.  Prisons of drugs and alcohol.  Prisons of self. 
Strangely, I have to work through two very different things at the same time.  I've been working on the healthy idea of self..while also being challenged to be selfless.  I finally realized that without a good, healthy self concept, I cannot possibly be selfless.  I can be walked on, walked over, used, abused, a martyr and many things....but, I can only be selfless when I CHOOSE something over self.  When I see me....accept me....love me....and choose to put it aside as an act of worship.  They seem opposite, but both are very covered in the Bible.  I am thankful for that. 
I am learning that I am opposed to a simply emotional high style of christianity.  And of a simply follow the rules and you're in the group style.  I think that my mind and heart have barely touched on what God intends.  When He talks about living in me and I in Him...I don't think it's a go to church on Sunday and get pumped up kinda thing.  And I don't think that it's even my pursuing Him in the Bible.  Though those things are good.  They can also be used by my mind to think that I've "earned" something.  I think that there is a deeper relationship that He wanted with us.  Not going through motions and jumping through hoops.  A love fest.  A celebration of relationship and life.  A daily attitude of how great He is.  Of prayer that isn't a 7 minute a day thing, but a pipeline that is left open all of the time.  An IV of life giving sustenance.  A catheter to get rid of waste.  I think that until my dying day I will be able to pursue Him, live with Him....and still not even grasp a portion of how wonderful He is.  And how far down He had to reach to get to me.  And, I think that I will never realize how very willing He was to do so.  That it's not about making me feel guilty or ashamed or second class....but because I am beloved.  And He says that I was totally worth it.
I think that these three days have been good for me.  Opening my heart again to possibility.  Opening my eyes to what needs to happen.  Allowing me time to cry.  Time to relax.  Time to not have to do or be for anyone.  Of course, one person frowns that i am not working.  But, my son in college told me that it was good.  That the gift of this job this year is that I am allowed to choose.  Love that.  But, I got three calls last night and two this morning...and it was hard to turn them down.  So glad I did.  I am worth it.  But, the thing is that I need to take the time and realize that.  I need to breathe in His love and grace.  And allow myself time to be held.  Because I have been really hurting.  And....FINALLY...I get that that is ok.
grace to you.