Empathy

Tada.  Had an aha moment driving in the car today.  All day it had been bothering me how he says that it's so awful but how well he is doing.....and how despondent he was over our house when we remodeled and it cost so much....so, I know what it looks like when he is not doing well.  Finally I realized that he doesn't have empathy.  Not for me.  Not for our kids.  He doesn't change what is going on in his life because how much I've been hurting doesn't really affect him.  My pain doesn't register as important.  His pain, his discomfort....those elicit a response.  He seems unrealistically happy.  He goes to work early.  Comes home late.  Don't even think that it hasn't occurred to me that he has something going on the side.  I asked him.  He never answered.  Just asked why I asked him.  He has a lot going on in his life.  Bible study.  Worship team.  Worship choir.  Sunday School teacher.  Job.  Tennis.  Basketball.  Work around the yard.  No depression.  No despondency.  Though I told him point blank that I don't want to be married to him anymore.  Maybe relieved?  If I end it then he can maintain his reputation?  I don't know, but I've really only seen a bit of empathy from him with one person.  Otherwise, his crying is only about how unfair I am being to him....how unforgiving....how mean not to simply forget.  But, I can't anymore.  But, I will try to make it until my kids are grown.  So they don't have to be in the midst of a battle.  But, I'll keep praying.  Eventually it will become clear.
Perhaps this realization will allow me to get out of my funk and get out of the house a bit.
Perhaps I'll even feel like reaching out again.
grace to you.