Home.

Sitting in a newly moved and sort of redecorated living room.  Opened it up.  Changed it up.  Different than it has ever been.  I'm pretty easy to please....so, I like it a lot. It hasn't withstood the company test, but it has withstood the daughter test.  The dog test.  The cat test.  The comfort test.  The homey test.  I love it, put simply.  It's my place.  I spend a lot of time in here.  It's important that it feels right.
I packed up a bunch of grandparent stuff this weekend.  Working on letting go.  I miss my grandpa so very much.  Though, I know that his strength remains with me....as a part of me.  His wise words walk with me every day.  His prayers and love still change me.  But, it's ok to put the stuff away now.  It wasn't before.  I needed the tactile, visual reminder.  It took a long time, but I'm finally ready to let the things go and just have the memories.  Oh, don't get me wrong...I didn't donate them, I just packed them up.  I'm growing, but I'm not crazy. 
It's not just a house.  It has to be my home.  I keep working at it.  Easier when it's just me and the kids.  Easier when I have alone time to focus and think and decide what I need and how I need it...without having to give explanation or argument.  That's the thing.....I feel able to be at home only when he's not.  To feel relaxed.  Content.  At ease.  Comfortable. At home.  But, nonetheless, I am trying to learn to be.  To do what I need to do regardless.  Not easy.  Not at all.  Mostly, I completely shut down.  Mostly, I am scared and uncomfortable.  But, that doesn't mean that I always will be.  When I can't stand it, I can get away.  And, when he's not here, I can thoroughly enjoy it....I didn't used to be able to do that!  Progress is progress even if it's only baby steps. 
Home.  A place for me.
grace to you.