This Day

Breathing is so good.  Even in the midst of really hard stuff.  I can function when he's not around.  I can clean out my purse and vaccuum. And mop.  I can simply do the little things that are on my mind.  His presence freezes me.  I want to know why.  What is it that keeps me from doing what I would normally?  Never having done things well enough.  Knowing his shame.  Feeling judged.  And.....not wanting him to feel like I'm doing it to please him.  To buy favor.  Not anymore. 
But it feels great on this day.  To do the little things.  Pay my bills.  Light candles.  Talk to my daughter.  Choose what to do and when.  Without shame.  It is so freeing.  And this time I relaxed fast.  Decided to take a deep breath and get to it.  It was hard....takes time to really relax.  So, I stood up, called my daughter and we went out to breakfast.  Laughed.  Ate.  Had a nice time.  And she tried to talk about her dad.  He's hard on the kids.  The guilt on them is the worst.  When she couldn't eat all of her breakfast burrito, she kind of panicked.  I smiled and said eat what she could...and she went into how dad makes her eat it all and how if she comes home without the box of leftovers he is upset.  We left the leftover burrito on the plate.  Left.....and somehow it was lighter feeling for both of us.  I know my kids struggle.  I try hard to be honorable, but I want them to be able to be frustrated or express their hurt too.  Fine line.  Love them so much.
I told him yesterday that if it had been only me that he made to feel badly that I might have been able to handle it, but that the way he treats the kids pushed me over the edge.  Nothing is ever enough.  Good enough.  No affection.  Not initiated.  One son hugs him.  But that's the son doing it.  He doesn't get it.  That affection is necessary.  That love isn't performing and praising for performing. 
But the kids get it. 
So, today I breathe.  And work.  And rest.  And worry.  And pray.  And simply do what people do.  And mostly, I wonder....wonder about so many things.  I can't believe how incredibly long these last few days have been.  And yet....how growth comes in the hard times.  For all of us.
grace to you.