Circling Darkness

Once upon a time what seems a very long time ago, I lived in a very dark place.  Sometimes I would escape from the dark but it was always around me, always threatening, always terrifying.  Not a day would go by that I didn't fight to escape the dark gloom of depression...fear...hopelessness....and simply, darkness.  It was like a great yawning hole that I walked along the edge of.  The ground seemed slippery and unstable.  I constantly felt like eventually I would fall in the hole and not be able to escape again. 
I listened to a lot of christian music at this time of life.  I had a silly tape that a friend made for me too.  I played with my children.  I got out of the house.  I fought back against the impending doom.  Honestly, I didn't want to live.  It was simply too hard.  Not good enough.  He was ashamed of me.  He blamed me for painful things that had happened.  He was not strong enough to stand when the hard times came.  And, I just couldn't do it at that point either.  My body hurt.  It was becoming more undependable.  My head ached.  My heart was distraught.  Yet, everything appeared normal to everybody else. 
I lived near that darkness for a very long time.  But, I had the blessing of a praying friend who brought the flashlight of truth along.....who fought off the dragons that threatened to throw me in the pit.  And, with her courage, reminded me that I was courageous.  That I could stand. 
Something else of great import also had happened.  I had a daughter.  My final child.  My only girl.  And everything in me knew that she needed a mama the most of all.  I know how it feels to grow up without a mom.  I committed to do whatever it took to not just make it, but to flee from that darkness. 
It took a lot of prayer.  A lot of music.  A lot of sleepless nights.  It took learning to cry again.  It took not being alone.  But, eventually, the darkness subsided and only hovered around the periphery of my life.  Finally, it was gone for good.  I have never been in that place again.  Hurting, yes.  Depressed, yes.  But without the circling darkness.  Without the fear of falling in and never rising again.  And, in that is victory.  In that is God's grace.  And mercy.  Because I was freed from what might have destroyed me.  I would like to say that I was given an easy life and that is what saved me.  It's not true.  I was given the knowledge that I have the courage and ability to make it through the hard times.  I was given experiences that tried me and honed me.  And, sometimes, I'm just a mess.  But, I'm a mess in the light.  Not a little pen light barely glowing in the darkness...but in bright light that shines like the sun and defies the darkness to even dare to come near. 
When I think that I can't make it.  When I can't believe how hard it is.  When I am absolutely worn out from having no privacy.  When I feel like the greatest failure.  When my hands shake and I can barely hold onto something.  When I wish that I had been enough to deserve love.  I stop and remember the path that I have already walked.  And I am so very thankful to be out of the darkness.  To not fear whether I will choose to end my own life in order to "make it easier" on him.  Funny, not in a haha way, how I wanted to "go away" so that he could be happy.  Don't guess he valued me much.  His loss.  Especially since I have decided somehow, miraculously, not just to survive, but to thrive.  To live and do the things that I could just dream about.  But, I think that it will be an awful lot more fun to DO them.  Here's to looking forward to many days in the sun.  And always to remembering the pain of the darkness. 
grace to you.