Permission

I do not need permission to do things.  However, I have recently realized that there is a void in my life that others have.  Without a mama or sister, I have no other woman to validate my desires and needs.  To let me know that it would be not only ok, but a good thing to do something.  I don't have a mama to call when I'm sick or trying to make a decision.  Someone to unload the burden of hurts, hopes, dreams, worries.  Nobody to tell me when I need to simply take time for me.  Nobody to help me feel "right" or at least understood.  And that is hard.  And I need to acknowledge how hard it is so that I can get over it and start telling myself.
But, it will never be easy.  Because as a woman, I was made for community...made for interrelating.  And trying to figure it out alone is hard.
Sometimes I reach out to get the nudge, but it's too much to put on others.  They have their own things.  Their own worries.  Their own network of how to get answers.  And I don't.
Another little part of growing up.  Not older....just wiser.....more confident.
I want to go visit my son and yet I know that my husband will come unglued.  But, as his mom, I want to give him that gift.  It has been on my heart for weeks.  How to honor and still get what I desire and need.  How to make sure my other kids get what they need.  It's a painful time.  But, it is a decision that I can make.  Though it be hard.  I'll let you know.
grace to you.