Don't Know

There's so much in life I don't know.  Don't know how.  I wish that I could not feel like I'm a teenager coming home late.  Fearing that I have to get up tomorrow early.  Knowing that there's no place to take a nap.  Well, there's always the car.  This is not the life I dreamed of as a child.
I did think that I would be a good wife.  Thought that I had a lot to give.  Thought that it would even be....fun.  Boy, it's not.  I would not repeat the experience.  I thought I had it. 
Here I am at two in the morning, sneaking around like I have to answer to someone about what I'm doing.  Shaking in my house.  Feeling guilty for having had a pleasant, stress free evening. 
I need some real sleep.  Maybe this week.  It's Spring Break.  So, it could happen......
I am proud that I did some things around my house this evening.  Working quickly before he arrived home.  The morning had caused me to feel troubled.  We rode together.  He questioned me about my work.  The same exact questions he always asks.  What grade?  Which school?  I answered.  Barely.  Holding my breath, waiting to drop him off.  Waited in the passenger seat while he got out.  Then, he was there, waiting like somehow I was supposed to kiss him good bye.  What a heel I am, but I was shocked.  I walked around and got in the drivers seat and drove away.  Never was very good at charades.
But, how will I let the world down?  Everyone always acts like we are the marriage to count on.  Like I'm so lucky because he wants sex.  Like it's so good because....I'm not really sure why.  Yes, I do know.  Because I am good at looking at the positive.  At trying to be content with what is.  That has certainly proved to be a mistake on some fronts. 
I don't know what is right, but I know that I see mind games, verbal games.  He is smart.  He uses what I say against me.  When I try to communicate, it always turns around to me being bad.  Sometimes I wonder if I am.  And then, other times, I think that even if I am, I still am where I am. 
Peace.  Please send peace to me.