Home

I want home to feel like home.  Coming here when he's home is killer.  Like walking in the sand dunes.  Plodding.
Today I saw pictures of a young couple as they were at the hospital for the birth of their first son.  The looks on their faces.  The way he helped.  Wow.  Filled me with a longing.  A realization of how hard it really has been.  I always wanted to feel that relaxed.  That close.  But, I don't. 
Wow, I just had to click off.  He keeps coming in.  Waiting for the footsteps.  Wondering.  Trying to relax.  Trying to realize that I'm a grownup and allowed to do what I choose on a computer.  That this is a safe way to get out what I need to.
Being home has some good things.  I like it with the kids.  I really do.  I like it alone.  But, I don't like it with him home.  Not at all.  It is so stressful.  And it's like......it's like when you've worked a lot for several days.  Worn out.  Ready for a break.  And even if you have more to do, if you sit down, you finally realize what your body needs and it's like you can't get back up again.  That's where I am.  It's like I've sat down.  Let down my guard.  Started looking at what is true.  And now, it's like I can't get back up and deal with things how I used to. 
It's a good home.  Full of good things.  Full of the life of my children.  I just ca't seem to pull myself up and get it done anymore.  I can't seem to play the game. 
It makes me so sad.  It used to feel like if I just kept at it, just kept trying, just tried to make it right, then it would be.  Now, I just feel stupid. 
So, here I am at home with my heart racing.  My teeth chattering.  Huddled over.  Wondering if I am a heathen because no matter how hard it is, I just want this to be done.  Wondering why people aren't allowed to talk about such things.  Wondering what would happen if I just went "blah" and said it all out to someone. 
But, I don't need to be gathering allies.  That's not what I need.  I just need to be heard.  To know that someone gets me.  Sees me.  Understand in some way. 
Here I am.  I am home.  It is nothing like I imagined it would feel.  As a matter of fact, it is everything I would never have wanted or thought that I would end up with.  I should have waited longer.