Going Away

I used to sit and write during sermons in church.  If anyone would have known the contents, they would have cringed, I am sure.  I used to think that it would be easier to simply die than to keep living like I was.  That maybe he would finally find a way to be happy.  That I could quit being the reason for the problems.  Don't hear this wrong....I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to fade away somehow.  To allow him the place to figure out what would make him not be so grumpy and irritable and stingy.  But, that's because I have always taken making him happy seriously.  I have always wanted to be someone who did what was good for him.  It felt like that's what should be in a good marriage.  And, I still think so.  However, I think that getting to a point where you know you are failing so colossally that you just want to go away should send up some kind of red flag.
I used to want to ask people what normal looked like.  Apparently, we WERE what was good and normal.  I heard it so much and so often.  I liked that to the degree that it meant that I was doing what a good wife should.  I was holding my family together.  I was playing nice.  Usually.  Don't get the idea that I never argued or tried to do things differently.  I did.  I was desperate for the real relationship.  I lived the real life that I believed.  I trained our kids.  In manners.  In cleaning.  In eating.  In playing.  In giving.  In hospitality.  In spiritual things.  It was my life....it all fit with what I believe.  I have never been able to bring my marriage into that realm. 
Because I believe that the spiritual union is as important as the physical.  And the emotional has it's own place too.  I believe that one doesn't exist without the others.  I believe that God created us that way.  I believe that giving is a blessing.  And that receiving is a special miracle of love.  I can't even imagine a life without giving.  But, it's as if I've been forced to try.  To see how wrong I am.  To see how much better I could be if......
And until recently, in all of these years, I have never begrudged him how he was.  Frugal was ok.  I tried to understand him.  Tried to be there for him.  Tried to listen about his work and troubles.  It was incessant.  He always needed help.  Always needed comforting.  From the time we were first married and he wouldn't be able to sleep and I would talk him through it and comfort him.  Like I did for the kids at the daycare. 
I guess that I'm weary of giving all.  Of being poured out and completely neglected and unappreciated....as a matter of fact, I feel depreciated.  As if I am to blame for all of his troubles.
The big shift has come in my being unwilling to think that I need to make it all good.
Wow, he just called.  I trembled as always and picked up.  He doesn't have enough money in the checking account to pay off the full Home Depot bill.  Gets paid tomorrow.  Chastised for many minutes.  Griped that I use the card for gas.  I'm not even at home and yet I'm still feeling bullied.  Should have known.  He talks to me about money worries.  I wish he'd go away.  I'd figure it out without panicking every five seconds.  He can't stand it.  Living paycheck to paycheck kills him.  He despises it.  He wants to be way ahead.  I get that.  But, with all of these kids.....I allowed one to put his online class on the check card this week.  Knew we'd get paid this week....he needs the class to graduate in two months.  Seemed important.  Now I am teary and sick feeling.  Shaky and cold.  Astounded. 
Please oh please oh please oh please......go away.