It's not about him being bad. It's not about me being bad. It's about the fact that no matter how much I try to communicate, use word pictures, share or whatever, he does not choose to "get" me. He does not feel the inside desire to meet the needs of my heart or body. And as I drove tonight, I learned that this fact is what makes me know that without time to heal and figure out a new way, this marriage is doomed. Because I won't live that way anymore. I can't make everything right. I can't be everything right. And he can't show me love if I'm not what makes him happy. In that case, it's not really love, it's using. So, in order for us to find that place where you're supposed to be, it's like starting all over. Because at this point, I can't even fathom anything.
I read today that the sex life is the thermometer of a relationship. Uh oh. What if it's frequent but one person is miserable? What if it's not satisfying? What if it's not at all? What if you cry yourself to sleep after being used but not loved? What if? I have found that sex can create an illusion of peace in my case. But not for ME.
Somehow I need a good long time to heal. To have my own time. Selfish I am. I wrote today how I am just not sure how God loves me. I feel shame. From him. When things are like this he acts insincerely "pleasant." Makes me sick. Literally.
Gotta go. Stolen time is over.
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