My Heart

How do I really speak my heart?  Talk about all of the other little things that happen.  The stuff that annoys me.  But that's not what it is.  It is that my heart is broken.  Perhaps broken in this realm for good.  He is not evil incarnate........I realize, I have met those people.  But, he is not compassion international either.  He is empty.  Like a black hole that pulls and pulls but can't give something good.  I feel unredeemable.  Like that one that can't be loved...but, for all of my difficult childhood, I never felt like that.  I could go back, smile, make nice.  I could do what makes everyone comfortable.  But, the thing is that I can't anymore.  I could once upon a time.  But my heart is in a shambles.  And he pretends that nothing is wrong.  Pretends he hasn't heard me the dozens of times I've said what it is.  I know that the time is coming again.  He will ask what is wrong.  Yikes.  I dread it.  And he'll feign surprise.  Tssk tsk.  But no change.  Simply waiting.
No, it's not the stupid chickens nor even the sex stuff.....the bottom line is that he took advantage of my heart.  I think the reason that I never got as hurt before or felt as awful before is that I had never chosen to give my heart to a person who treated me like this.  I keep thinking that I must be wrong....then I find I'm not and I weep all over again.
I'm afraid that God will turn His back on me.  I know in my head that's ludicrous, but it has been pounded in hard that I am sinning.  That I am hard hearted.  That I should keep giving. 
Makes me sad.  Incredibly.  How can I say.  It's not the things, it's that I've been broken.  Shamed.  And in order to survive, I have to do something.