Loaning

Was thinking this morning how we get wiser as we get older about who to loan things to.  Money.  Tools. Whatever.  Some people will forget.  Some will break.  Some will just keep on asking for more, oblivious to the fact that they have half of your house in theirs.  And, it would be awkward to mention.  At least for me.  Some people are good at that.
The fact that it is awkward for me says a lot.  Because, our hearts are a lot like those things.  We give them away, loan them out.....but, while not with the expectation that all that we do or give will be reciprocate, with the hope that they will be care for and left undamaged.  Maybe with the need to have a piece of their heart as well.  That doesn't always work out either.  Some people forget to care.  Some break our hearts.  Some just keep asking for more, never knowing that we've given as much as we possibly can.  The house is empty, so to speak, they have returned nothing...so, their "house" is full while ours is empty.
As a christian woman, I have often felt pushed by the church to be that person who fills someone else's house.  I know that God steps in and makes things better.  I know that He never leaves me alone.  But still, I think that giving the deepest parts of me away to people who don't really care is a ba iea.  I don't mean in service.  Or in missions.  I mean in the deepest, closest relationships.  I am learning that I can't give enough, can't be enough, can't sacrifice enough for some people.  And, as sad as it makes me, I'm beginning to see that the problem isn't always me.  It's not because I'm selfish or uncaring.  It's that for some people there is no enough.  If they borrow ten bucks today, they will need a hundred next week.  It's a perpetual need thing.  I can handle saying no when it's money....well, sometimes...or objects....but I am really lousy at doing the same with my heart.  And it's important.
It's important to be loved as well as to love.  To give.  And to receive.  To call.  And be called.  To sacrifice.  And be sacrificed for.  It builds us up.
So, I got where I am by settling.  Allowing.  Some of the horrific things that have happened, I should have gotten up and walked away.....but it always feels like, "maybe this one thing will finally make him content or happy with me."  The thing is....when I love someone, it's not what they do.  It's just that they are.  I have a giving heart.  Still prickly.  Still hurting.  But still longing to give.  So, receiving love that is based on what things I can do to earn it hurts.
I've had to learn the hard way about loaning to those who don't care or appreciate.  How to keep a soft heart, but a wise one is what I long for.