Help

I think I'm drowning.   Perhaps it is the self pity?  But I don't really feel sorry for myself.  No, drowning in all of this crap.  I am so tired of this horrible feeling.  Tired of living like this.  Just went and put on ANOTHER layer of clothes.  Nursing a headache.  Stressed.  Having trouble taking a breath. Chest tightening.  A heart attack?  No, dammit, this is how I feel when the "love of my life" is coming home.  I am so exasperated that I have this plan for my living room...and I can't start.  I get paralyzed. 
A friend asked me the other night if I was moving out because of something I said that sounded like I was moving...only moving furniture, if I could get over this paralysis.  No way in hell am I moving.  I'll kick his butt out.  But he says he won't go.  I told him a long time ago to leave.  Has he no sense of compassion?  He is so busy showing me how he's not my father, but my father owns who he is.  He might not be a catch, but he is honest about who he is.   Quick, can I change the locks?  I am in serious panic mode.  Worse tonight.  He has no sports this week.  Injured foot and all.  I am deep breathing.  Trying to remember that it's fine.  That I can do as I choose.  This is what I've always done when his mom comes to visit.  It doesn't work too great.  My head is pounding.  I'm not feeling at all courageous.  I want to hide.  No confrontations.  Because, I know that when it comes, it will not be pretty.  I know that I'll tell him that he has to go.  And then I guess the world falls apart.  Everyone "knows" what they only suspected....I am a bitch....and a heartless bitch to boot.  To do such a thing to such a good and nice guy.  How dare I?  And I want to be ready.  Because while I might be a bitch because of this, I refuse to resort to sitting around explaining it to everyone.  And I know....Oh gosh, I KNOW that all of the do gooders will come along and tell me how wrong I am.  How I have blown it.  HOw I am sinful.  And I want to shout, "I don't care....I just have to breathe....I just have to know that abundant life IS for me.....I have to do what it takes to live....".  But, I won't.  I'll probably skulk away while everyone whispers about me.  I'll get phone calls to suddenly meet for lunch from people who have never called me before......
My personal favorite will be being pulled aside in church to give an account....which, I won't do.
I HAVE prayed.  I HAVE given.  I HAVE made exceptions, forgiven, been patient, been respectful (well, not so nice anymore, but still trying to be respectful in my detachment), I have given so much that if I don't back up, his self will swallow mine up.  His needs.  His desires.  His behaviors. 
I'm DROWNING!!! Can't anyone care that I'm drowning and not stop to explain how it's MY fault???That I shouldn't have gone in so deep.  Should have had a life vest.  Should have.......If only.......This is because.......
And, I'd be totally fine tallking all about that once I'm NOT drowning.  But, right now, get me out of the frickin water before it's toooooooooo llllllaaaaattttteee.   h         e        l              p