The Little Things

I went to a church event tonight.  I did it because I had told one of the youth that I would come to see her art.  As the time grew near, I felt the anxiety rise.  Sweating.  Dry mouth.  Total fear.  And I almost didn't go.  But at a minute til....I live about 4 minutes away:)......I decided that I needed to do it for her.  She is a brave young lady who has overcome much...I could at least show up and look around.  So, I went.
I walked in.  Most people were already in the sanctuary for the music part of the program.  I looked around.  Trembling inside.  Gritting teeth.  And then I decided to go sit down.  I went into the back and skooched into the pew closest.  It was nearly dark.  I was shaking.  Freezing.  Couldn't get warm.  Terrified.  But I hunkered down and stayed.  I had a lot of time to think.  And to love listening.  It was beautiful.  But the fear didn't leave.  Of being vulnerable.  Of being accosted.  Of being caught there.....but I still stayed.
And I stayed afterward.  Though, to be fair, I found a way to cheat.  I had one of my sweet youth people walk in front of me.  Amazing if you don't end up face to face then you aren't required to interact.  I liked that.  I managed.  And though it's a little thing, it's big for me. 
How hard it is for me.  He is the one who has been nurtured to become who he should be.  By me.  Singing solos....being in choir....being involved in missions....all things I saw as gifts in him.  Nurtured.  Encouraged.  But my gifts were overlooked.  Laughed at.  How sad it is.  I sat there and realized that I never quit loving.  Though some days I am quite sure I could.  I simply broke.  I simply had no more to give.  And I gave up wanting that to be my life for the rest of my life. 
How many people praise him to me.  And I smile.  They really are right.  And tonight, as I sat there, thinking about him going to be up there singing on Sunday, and I did actually feel a glimmer of a good kind of pride.  I helped him get there.  I helped to give him wings.  I helped him to do things that he had never done before and never knew he could or would do.  And though he might not see or value my gifts, he is living proof of one of them.  I am good at helping people see who they can become.  I encourage.  Push.  Pull.  Believe.  Hope.  Let them falter.  Hold their hands as they stand.  Yep, tonight it came to me....and this, to me, is no little thing.  To me, this is enormous.  To me, it finally gave me hope that my dreams and hopes might have a chance.
My marriage is damaged.  Has been for as long as I can remember.  And I sat there thinking how I stayed for so many years knowing that if I left I would lose my best friends.  That the kids I loved that weren't mine would be out of my life.  I remember how difficult that was.  How much I have sacrificed over the years to try to hold it together to keep the parts that bring me so much joy.  But, in doing it, I came alarmingly close to losing all hope for ME.  Enough for everyone else, but mine was gone.  But tonight......I saw a bit.  I might not be able to be there without trembling, but I did not feel ashamed inside of me.  If they don't know me, don't bother to find out about me....then why should I care so much that they will think of me as a failure? 
Because it matters what people think.  It really does.  People give us jobs.  Give us a sense of well being.  Give us a place to belong.  But, I can't belong falsely.  So..........it is what it is.  And there I am.  Living.  Learning.  Growing.  Loving.  Trusting the God who sees.  And holds.