Dreams

For a long, long time, I shoved my dreams down.  I felt guilty about them.  I was shamed for them.  I felt worldly for having them.  As if I wasn't spiritual enough because I had hopes and dreams of what might come.  But God says that a people without a vision perish.  I believe it.  Because I was perishing.  My personal dreams all got sucked up into having to be about someone else.  There was no room for me.  No room to hope for the great things.  And when I stumbled out the words that I dreamed of being a columnist, he simply said, "everyone thinks they can be a columnist."  This from a man who had never read anything I had written.  I don't KNOW if I can, but I wish that I could.  I would love to have that kind of venue.  But, I cowered.  I cried.  I lost my hope.  Like he's God.  Certainly isn't.  But, he had the power to take away what is important to me.  To make me feel guilty for desiring it.  Talked about how I should be more concrete.  Make some money.  Blah blah blah blah blah.
NOW, finally, it sinks in that it was he that was awful for doing that.  But, for a long time, I have carried around guilt for having dreams.  For hoping for wonderful, exciting things. 
I dream of having a house at the coast.  I have a dream of traveling Europe.  I have a dream of being a writer.  I have a dream of changing kids' lives.  I have a dream of not having to live with someone that makes me feel so shameful.  I have a dream of continually learning and growing and changing and becoming a person who is more loving and patient while being strong.  I want to be a woman who can stand.