Wondering

Today is a good day.  Though I am tired.  Though I wish the time change didn't knock me so hard.  I am a little less self condemning....which, obviously means that I've shifted gears and am really angry at someone else. Ha.  Great.  Well, the thing is this....I ALWAYS blame me.  It's like a lifelong habit.  I've taken it on like a cloak.  But, now I'm wondering....maybe, I am ok?  Maybe I have some value?  Maybe there are people out there who like me for me?  Even.......GASP.....love me for me? 
My son was just here regaling me with the stories of when they go to play basketball how his dad takes a water jug (from the tap) and cups and continually reminds everyone to pour only what they will drink.  Seriously???  We have a five gallon jug.  They could have ALL they want out of that.  Nobody need worry about overtaking or overusing. 
This conversation came after we were discussing how the partially drank soda cans had been gathered up and kept and offered to us....as a point that SOMEBODY had taken sodas during a birthday party and not finished them.....well, gosh, let's go get the DNA test and see who should be punished.  I simply pour them in my garden.  The sugar is good for my flowers.  What a butthead.  That is the nicest thing I've had to say today.  That's probably because I'm afraid that we are stuck home together tonight.  Oh, let it not be so.  Surely he'd like to go play volleyball or something. 
Nobody is frugal enough.  Ever.  And never will be.  It's a great contest.  It apparently leads to being more mature and more responsible and more spiritual.  Seeing as how I cussed the last time we argued, I'm not in the running for any of those......snort.  Like I care.  Or, maybe I did.  Maybe I thought that I would reach the goal.  I think that maybe it was so important to prove that somebody thought I was worth bothering with.  But, not at this cost.  At this cost, nobody is worth trying to please. 
So I wonder and wonder some more.  How does it all turn out.  Mostly I try to just take a day at a time.  But my imagination runs ahead.  I have a great imagination.  For good things.  But the good things I imagine have him living elsewhere.  I can't hover under this shadow forever.  I can't live as THE disappointment forever.
I was reading some divorce sites the other day and they said that waiting until kids are grown makes it hard too.  The kids usually wonder why you waited.  And then they have to figure out how to do holidays and stuff without a divorce plan in place.  The thing is.....I won't fight.  I won't guilt them.  We can do Christmas whenever they can come.  June?  Ok.  Whatever.  I know that they love me.  I have no insecurities about it.  None.  I don't really know what I want.  Well, a separation at least.