Great Loss

Sometimes words are not enough.  Trying to speak is not enough.  Good thing God can understand my groanings, cuz that's all I've got these days.  No words good enough or deep enough.  And speaking can get me in trouble. 
Today I remembered how loss can be felt right in the gut.  Deeply.  Today I mourn the loss of being able to share.  Today I must learn to change my behavior and it is already probably the hardest things I've had to face doing in a very long time.  Today I realized for certain that I do walk alone....at least as far as people on this earth.  That I do need to keep this uprising to myself.  That I have to figure out how to live and just be normal.  And, honestly, I don't know how anymore.  I was so very good at it.  Now, I've lost it.  Lost how to do it.  But, I know that I can find it again.  I have to. 
I love smiling.  Love the look on someone's face when they see you smile at them.  Ever since I was very young, it was something that I had....that people noted.  They knew how hard my life was, but I smiled.  Now, I will put that to use.  I will smile.  I will live.  I will hope that I haven't ruined everything in my life by trying to share. 
Tonight I mourn the lack of an extended family.  Yet again.  Because there it nobody who is "obligated" to be on my side.  To take me in.  To love me even if they don't understand.  All day it's been bothering me.  It's why I feel so lonely.  I know that in order to save my sanity I could lose my friends.  All of my friends. 
Frankly, I could lose my married life.  It has brought me much pain.  But, losing the people who did connect with me and try to know me really hurts. 
I sobbed my heart out.  Snot and all.  And then I realized that I would just figure it out.  I will not lose everyone.  I will shut up.  I will be happy if it kills me.  I will figure out what to do on my own.  I won't be a burden.  People have enough of their own crap and they are not obligated to carry mine. 
And with that, I cried again.  "Why does life have to be so stinkin' hard?"  Why can't I just nicely say, "I need this space in order to regain my sense of sanity," and I get it?  Why can't I just say to people, "life is hard right now and my marriage is probably not going to make it"?  Instead, it's like I have to comfort the world so that they won't worry about me. 
See, this is me not cussing.  But if thinking counts......
I am at a loss.  I want to crawl away and hide for awhile.  I want to get my bday over with.  I want to go away for my birthday and do something I actually want to do.  But I did that with my friends as a group thing.  So, I'll be on my own.  Blah.  The loss is too much. 
I don't want people to take sides, but I do.  I want for ther eto be some people who choose me.  He will have lots.  It just isn't fair.  Welcome to the world, huh? 
The sadness is overwhelming.  How to walk on and be "normal".  I am so incredibly weary. 
But, somehow there will be a way.  There always is.  I am stronger than people know.  I have come this far.  I will keep going.  But I'm just not sure that anyone will be around soon....when I walk away.