Grin and Bear It

It seems like I live in a world where I am supposed to just go back to what was.  Today, I was thinking, what exactly are Biblical reasons to separate?  I don't know exactly what constitutes betrayal of that sort.  I mean, he doesn't answer whether he has had an affair.  And whether he has or hasn't, I'm not sure that it would be the real reason that would push me to this place
I find it impossible to tell all.  Even here.  But, this at least is a release.  But, how do I weigh what is Biblical?  How do I know that I'm not simply a sinner without enough compassion?  I struggle.  It's easy to sound as if it's all cut and dry.  But I know other people who have it "worse".  But I don't even know how to compare.  Lives are so different. 
There's this part of me that feels like I'm just supposed to grin and bear it.  He's a nice guy, right?  I mean, he'll be singing in church tomorrow.  I cried about that.  Happy for him.  But no place to sit and listen and worship without being in the line of vision. 
Oh, please, couldn't he get a job in say.....Alaska?  I don't know.  It's so hard to talk about.  Don't want to spend my energy trying to make people understand.  And, I do.  I want people to see me.  To know.  To feel what I've felt.  But, I just keep living.  Just keep breathing.  Just keep trying to figure out what I am responsible for. 
But, I am discouraged.  I don't think that there's anyplace to make anyone understand.  No bruises.  It kills me.  I get grilled over stupid things.  I have to answer crazy questions. 
Can I just have space so I don't lose my freakin' mind?  Guess not.  He seems to like to push the button when he knows it's there.  That, on top of pretending "nothing is wrong" is absolutely painful.  Because how I feel and what I want isn't taken seriously.  This "silliness" will pass or something. 
If I ever get warm again.  If I can ever sleep right again.  If I can ever have a day, a week, a month...time, without having to answer to him regarding dumb stuff, then maybe, perhaps, I could at least figure it out.
Nobody will ever understand.  No matter what I feel.  No matter what I say.  No matter what I write.  Because he is the perfect one. 
But, though nobody understands, I will sleep on my couch tonight in relative peace.  Kinda.  At least I'm not hugging the side of a bed trembling.  That's progress....kinda.