Good

I struggle with feeling "bad".  My self esteem has suffered tremendously these last years.  Not that I ever thought that I was a super model.  Nor did I think that I was the next Einstein.  But, for many years, though life had been hard and though I hadn't had that much support....well, I felt good about who I was.  Not like I was better, but definitely not like I was pond scum.  Sadly, it took being married to really feel like that.  That's because I did what many people do in a marriage relationship:  I began to base my self talk, my self thought, myself in general, on how happy my spouse was and what he thought of me.  Not healthy.  Not his fault.  Well, frankly, it would have worked out a little better if he had thought that I was amazing.  Several weeks ago, during an argument, he said that when he met me he thought I was the most amazing woman he had ever met.  Funny.  It would have been nice if that would have been what stayed with him these years.  As it is, the constant not standing up, the constant jibes about my failures, the teasing, the incessant competition, the outright disinterest in knowing about me....well, it pretty much speaks for itself.
But, unfortunately, it has spoken to MYself.  It has sent me the message over and over and over and over in many different ways that I am a disappointment, that if I were only different, things would be better.  I used to rebel when we were first married to these things.  I would get out of the car and walk.  I would stand up for myself.  Over time, I got too tired to fight.  What I know is that I'm not good.  But God is good.  And He looks at me with compassion.  And gentleness.  He sees me fears and failures.  And, these days, I've been feeling like quite a failure.  I can't seem to get things done.  I am distracted.  My mind wanders.  I want out of the one thing I was supposed to do for the rest of my life.  And I compare my reasons with others and wonder why.  I never imagined I could get to the point where I just need to back off.  Honestly, I have always had hope.  Always believed that things can get better.  But now I tremble at the thought of one more huge hurt...it's like I know that it would do me in.  That I would be lost for good. 
I don't ever want him in my bed again.  It makes me physically ill to think about.  He humiliated me.  After I said no.  He always wanted what he wanted, how he wanted and if I'm uncomfortable, then I'm not doing what wives should do because "nothing is wrong" within marriage.  I'm not a prude.  I'm not boring.  But I can't face that life anymore.  And when I expressed that, nothing changed.  I was guilted, prodded, coerced, cajoled into doing something that I didn't want. 
I can't find any foundation to go back to.  He does not love me....well, not as much as he loves him.  And, to be honest, while I once worked very hard at respecting him, I simply don't.  He gave up my respect slowly.....about at the same rate that he took away my self respect.  I just didn't know it as it was happening.  It took years.  And finally, I see that I have lost respect for him as far as being a husband.  He does have a lot of good qualities and abilities. 
Making a life with someone after knowing them for such a short time is difficult at best.  And, this wasn't the best.  His mother hates me.  His brother thinks my denomination....and that of my family.....is without redemption.  Told me our kids would go to hell since we didn't have them baptized as infants.  Lucky they didn't die back then.  More of a blessing than luck, I guess.  His mother hates how I run a household, how I cook, how I raise the kids.  But strangely, seems to take credit for how the kids are turning out.  Crazy.  Seriously. 
If I were good, I guess that I would go back to my bed.  I would do what it takes to make him happy.  I would cry myself to sleep.  Night after night.  But I tried that.  And being "good"  made me sick.  Still does.  But, being truthful, makes me feel like I'm an inadequate woman who has failed.  Because everyone tells me how perfect he is.  Maybe I could auction him off to finance the next phase of my life.....just a thought.  Told you, I'm not good.