Spring Break

Off of work for a week.  Glad of it.  And nervous.  How to keep my heart safe.  How to keep my mouth from being sinful.  And how to know how to be true and not sinful.  It's not easy.  It's very difficult.  How to honor but not enable.  How to go through and make it.....and not skimp on truth. 
Today was really hard.  Realizing that I don't seem to have a say.  But, I had a revelation today.  He can say that I can't have a sabbatical.  He can fight it.  But if he won't give me what I need, I can take legal recourse.  I hope not to have to.  But, today I was realizing that I am going to have to stand strong.  I am going to have to have courage although it eludes me often.  If I give up, my life will be worthless.  And I want to live a worthwhile life.  A full life.  A life of joy.  And yes, though it sounds sinful.....happy.  I want desperately not to be miserable.  Not to be dreading.
Tonight, as I knew the time of his coming home was arriving, my stomach clenched and I couldn't finish eating my dinner.  My head began to hurt.  I felt ill.  In every way.  And I realized how long I've felt bad.  Wow.  I'm sure it's not all him.  But I do know that it doesn't help. 
I am going to keep looking for work.  Good job.  Professional.  I want to make my own way.  I want to feel free from the constant dread.
Last year at this time he told me that we were going to be homeless.  That we wouldn't be able to pay our taxes.  That I was irresponsible.  That's because he didn't want me to spend the money I had earned to take the kids to the coast.  It was a knock down battle.  And, for the first time, I stood firm and said no way.  I said that I was going.  I would do it.  I would continue to work and that I was not irresponsible but that we could keep the house and I could have my sanity break at the coast.  Here we are the year later.  Not homeless.  Not saying that it can never happen.  Just that the constant belittling and accusing and blaming and worrying is too much for me. 
I don't want his money.  I think he should go live with it and be happy.