When in Doubt

Some times of life push me into doubt.  It didn't used to.  I have always clung strongly to the verses in James that talk about praying as one who believes.  Who is not like the waves of the ocean.  But, there are times now in my life when I can't decide if I want to eat, what I want to eat, or if I should eat.  I can't decide so many things.  Like, what to buy.  What to wear.  What to do next.  Whether to sleep in or get up early and get things done.
Doubt.
It's lousy.  It strips away confidence.  It keeps me from accomplishing.  It keeps peace away.  No matter what I do, it feels like it will be wrong.
It is not a gift to give someone you supposedly love.  The gift of doubt.  Yeah, right.  It is traumatic.  It strips away willingness to try.
But, I am finding again the willingness to risk.  The desire to try though I might fail.  And failing is not acceptable in my marriage.  It gives way to "I told you you should play it safe."
I've never done anything in my life that I'm proud of that didn't involve risk.  That didn't involve having the faith to know that God can make it good even if it doesn't turn out how I hoped.  But, somewhere along the way, I lost the will to give my life that.
Now, I am going to try again.  Try to do great and fun and wonderful things that bring me satisfaction and challenge.  I want to be ME.  So, I am going to cast my doubt on Him.  Going to try to give my anxiety a strong heave ho.  I know that I'll fail sometimes.  But, I also know that in the moments of success, I will grow just a little bit stronger.