Dear

How can the word "dear" make me cringe so much.  Maybe it's another way I've lost identity?  Maybe it's because I have never been dear....it's simply a habit.  Don't know, but it makes me shake.  Happened again.  Yuck.  How painful it is to know that what you thought could be is a sham.  A veneer.  I like real wood.  Not too jazzed about those laminate fakes.  Not too jazzed about fake relationships either. 
I realized anew today though that I don't want to go to the world in general.  I don't want to tell everyone what a tragedy.  Instead, I want to figure out how to do this well.  As well as it can be done.  With as much grace and kindness as there can be in such circumstances.
I think that we should each only choose a person or two to divulge what we need to dump and talk about.  Including family.  The rest of the people just get the basic, "things aren't going so well."  Or whatever.  The whole world doesn't need to know the crap.  Ok, in anonymity, it's ok, but in our real lives, where we live, go to work, go to worship, go to play....well, we should be respectful.  I should be respectful.
That makes it doubly hard.  He is such an in front of everybody guy.  He is likable.  He is outgoing.  He is talented.  He is....more than me in so many ways.  Outwardly, at least.  Maybe inwardly too, I don't really know.  I have tried to know, though. 
All I know is that the sham is not too great.  It gives me heart ache.  Tummy ache.  Shakes.  Cold feeling.  The whole "dear" thing just screams to me that he still doesn't hear me.  He still likes to pretend.  He liked what I gave him.  Even if I was miserable.  How can one little word evoke so much emotion and pain?  Not sure.....maybe because it's another dream unrealized.