Times I Realized

I get migraines.  Not little things that go away instantly after a pill, but "atypical" migraines that last for weeks.  They are debilitating and terrifying at times.  Most people wouldn't know it even when I am in the midst of "migraine season" because I am very good at dealing with pain.  Nights are the worst for me.  When it is "migraine time," nights are horrible because I can't sleep because the pain is so intense.  There is no relief in sleep. 
One night, as many others, the pain got so bad that I stumbled into the bathroom and got into the shower thinking that maybe it would help to get warmed up and have the soothing water.  I needed anything.  I was desperate.  Bawling my eyes out.  Alone.  He never gets up.  But, this particular night, I was in such pain and the vomiting set in, I got out of the shower, the feeling of the water was so intense that I could barely function.  I managed to get to the toilet to vomit.  My hair fell in.  I was naked.  It was night and very cold in the house.  The water was still running.  I was lying in a fetal position curled up next to the toilet when he came in the bathroom to turn off the water that had been running for too long.  I thought that I would die.  Literally.  I could not stand the pain.  I was naked.  I was shaking.  I couldn't do anything to make it better.  I couldn't drive myself to the hospital which I had done other times.  I was totally incapacitated.  If it had been anyone I know, I would have had them at the hospital in a flash.  Instead he was asking me if I would be ok.  If I really needed to go to the hospital. Money is an issue, you know.  Then, seriously, he went back to bed.  And slept.  I finally got past the worst of it and pulled on some sweats and went and sat in a chair in the living room.  I have never been more stunned by his lack of basic compassion.  In this period of time, I realized that something was truly wrong.  He couldn't make a decision to do something for me when I was at my weakest.  He didn't take care of me.  He wanted me to reassure him.  By the time he went to bed, I think tat I was probably relieved to not have to keep answering what he should do.......because all I could focus on was dealing with the pain.
I see him with some people and I think maybe he cares enough to take care of things.  But, really, I'm not certain.  Maybe he just can't.  I don't know.  I just know that this spoke volumes into my heart.
Another time that I knew that things were wrong was when we had our house remodelled.  It went really badly.  Way over budget.  Not finished even within 9 months of when it was supposed to be....and he was MAD.  Bitter.  Upset about money lost.  But, he was mad at me.  We decided to have the house remodeled and we chose the contractor (who was a friend from church) and we signed the papers.  But, when it all came down to it, it was my fault.  Not the contractors.  Certainly not his.  He has never really forgiven me for that.  He wanted all of that money in the bank.  As it turns out, he had started hoping to retire early.....ha.  Funny thing about it?  It was my money.  Spent on my house. 
But, there is good news.  The good news is that I am learning how to be separate.  How to disentangle myself from the feelings and emotions that have built up about myself through the years because of these incidents.  And, I'm learning that even if I did it all wrong, those who love me still love me.  That kind of love is rare.  It's more than just a paper commitment.  It is something that says "no matter what, no matter when, I will be there, I will do what it takes, I will do my best to fill your heart and your life with as much joy as possible."  It's not about a license.  It's about an attitude.  And I have truly tried to have that attitude.  But what I have learned is that grace and legalism don't mix any better than oil and water.  They might co-mingle for awhile, but they always end up separating.  Their properties don't bond.  That might not sound like good news, but it is....it means that I wasn't crazy.  That all of these things add up to something that was not great but that it wasn't indeed all my fault as I had been thinking. It doesn't have to be about fault.  It can just be about getting better.