I Want To...

make my piano into a table/work area.
put up fun curtains in my living room.
put up shelves in the bathroom after i paint it....and towel hooks.
finish my laundry room.
finish my kitchen.
make my garden pretty.  hard with chickens.
make my porch comfy.......WITHOUT chicken poop.
put a covering over my back door...arbor style and grow vines.
have winding paths.  not ugly straight ones. 
have an arbor and a gate.
a chimenarea.
a comfy place to sit under the overhangs of the big tree.
completely redo my living room.
put a sectional in my family room.
get rid of all of the garbage in the loft. 
make a work space for myself...................where oh where shall i do it?
ok, these things have been on my mind for a long time. 
The last time I worked on the flagstone for a sitting area, I got chewed out.  Did it wrong.  Used too much flagstone (that I ordered for this....) and he wanted to use it for a path.  And, honestly, I had a meltdown last time I tried to do this.  Gosh, I just literally am shaking thinking about it. 
want to put up my flower boxes under my windows.  and my trellising between.  build my planters.....damn....the chickens are on the front porch even as I write...........
i want a puppy.
i want to hang big stuff on the walls and not worry about messing them up.
i want to be liberal with paint.
i want to have fun in my house.
i want to live here.  LIVE. not exist.
i want to write on the piano.
guess i should mention that it's a grand piano that isn't at all tuned......
i want to use the house to run a business too.  make a place to work.  to paint.  to write. 
i want to not worry about the freaking floor.  well, i don't, but i get blamed for that.....
i want to have a life that doesn't involve worrying about everything that is in my head that I want to do.  Panic attacks.  Can't ever explain that to anyone.  "Why can't you just do it?"  "Oh, I don't know......" 
Then I cry....and I'm a basket case.  But, nobody ever knows how it is.  That there is nothing without a battle.
Now he wants an ugly fence.  Wants to do it before any other plan.  We've done three fences at various times.  Always end up moving it.  I need this.  In some deep unexplainable way. 
I need a better job so that I can support my kids.  Because I seriously can't keep going like this. I had so much on my mind that I wanted to do here today....and I come home and I am frozen.  Terrified.  &^%$*(()&#+_)&^%#!@%*!!
Some people luck out and the guy leaves.....he never will.  Because he always has to look perfect.  If anything, whatever happens, I will look like the world's biggest b****.  No, that was NOT babe.
Alright then.  What TO do?  Crawl under the table?  Grit my teeth?  Oh, already doing that.  Try to tidy up and make it how he likes it?  I just can't.  And I can't get up the power to fight....so here I am.  Completely and totally unable to function.  I hate this.