Worn and Weary

My mind has so many plans.  Hopes.  Dreams.  I am a person of great hope.  I love to encourage.  Love to see people succeed.  Love to see them find happiness.  Love to help them find their wings.  It blesses me deeply.  And, I also love having my own hopes and dreams, goals and plans.  Love working toward them.  It is so deeply difficult these days.  Today, I took time to go to thrift stores.  I was trying out being brave.  Getting things I have wanted  around my house for several years.  It's always so easy for me to allow others to have. 
I used to be fine with deciding what I wanted, what I needed and what I could afford and what I was willing to give up if I REALLY wanted something badly.  Now it's like it's not an option.  Buying food for the family is questioned.  But, if I take a really deep breath and just decide to do it anyway, then I can.  Today I did that.  I figure, "how can it get any worse?" 
I wish that life were different.  Today I was asked if I sleep on the couch when friends of the kids are over.  I do.  For months I have struggled.  The peace that I have finally made is that this is what it is.  It is the truth.  Not pretty.  Not great.  But, true.  And there is some relief in that.  Frankly, I sleep better than I did hugging the edge of the bed and crying.  Trying to please.  Failing.  Needing to do more.  Needing to give more.  Being berated before sleep about money matters.  Having him calling the bank as I was trying to sleep to see how much money had been spent that day.  "Somebody spent x amount of dollars." 
"Gee, duh, I wonder who that could be." 
So, the reprieve is good.  If I can make it through the evening, then at least those hours are better.  How to do it any other way is beyond me.  I can't possibly tell anyone how deeply wounded I am.  Can't express how I can't give any more to that part of life at this point.  I don't know or pretend to know what God has for the future, but I know that He knows.  Good enough. 
Lately, I'm just trying to get the idea that He can love me where I am.  I don't feel lovable.  I have been put down.  Looked down on.  It's so hard for me to feel like anyone will care these days.  Even God.  But I choose to believe it.  I know I don't deserve it.  I can only be where I am and who I am.  I can't make me better.  I can't fix everything.
Some days I wish for a place to just talk.  To say what I need to say.  I have the ability to say some things, but not all that I wish I could.  And that holding back is becoming wearing.  I do want to honor to some degree.  I don't know exactly what that looks like. 
I am tired.  For so long I have held it together and now I feel like I am falling apart.  I just keep thinking that maybe nobody will notice.  People tend to see what they expect to see. 
I am worn.  I am weary.  But, I am sheltered.  I am loved.  And that makes all of the difference.