Downing

Funny how I have gotten into the habit of downing myself.  Of apologizing.  Of feeling less than enough.  Of always feeling in the way.  It's how I live.  But not how I will live.  I have to do something to live differently.
I think he is ignoring me mostly.  That's fine with me.  Doesn't make me sad.  Doesn't make me wish he wouldn't.  Doesn't make me feel punished.  Just another phase. 
Read about a lady today who went to live at her parent's house with her kids and felt comfortable and safe for the first time in years.  Well, as was mentioned, no parents to run to.  But, I get the idea of the article.  If life is bad enough that you are wanting someone to somehow not come home anymore, it's probably time to do something.
Heard about a christian author who says that if things are really bad you might need to take a separation time for a wake up call.  I can't even fathom being able to say what it would take and how much time I would need.  Could I just say, "I'll let ya know?"  Probably not. 
Some friends got divorced.  That was his wake up call.  He acted a little nicer.  Stepped it up.  It was temporary.  And not so much towards me.  He has also had "wake up calls" when I have suggested that he leave.....quite vehemently at times.....he will listen and act considerate for about 48 hours.  Maybe.  I have told him that it isn't healthy if he'll only hear me if he thinks I want a divorce.  Something wrong with that picture.
So, he sits in his room and watches tv while I enjoy the living room. 
Even writing this, I feel like downing myself.  Like blaming myself.  Because it could rock along with me trembling and crying and being miserable right up til the day I die.  But, I don't want it to.  And for that, I feel incredibly guilty. 
Gotta get.....