The Idea Of Suffering

So, what I hear when I hear christians talk is that suffering is good.  I know it happens.  I know that it produces good.  God says so.  And some suffering is unavoidable.  Today there was a quote in church about God using what He hates to do what He  loves.  And, I have no doubts that He can use what is happenign in my life for His good.  I see it in the future.  He has always been faithful in that.
But, I diverge with the mindset of the majority....I believe that He can use separation as well as staying.  I have tried the staying for a very long time.  Have prayed diligently.  Have hoped.  Have not given up.  I am not wimpy.  But, I also think that I've been living an untruth. 
We haven't prayed together in years.  And when we did, unless  it was about finances, it was always initiated by me.  We don't have any God direction as a couple.  The kids and I have as a family part.....but, that is hard too.  The underlying foundation is faulty.  I have tried within the realm of staying to shore it up.  Well, I should say that I DID.  I am past it.
Going to church often feels like a sentence.  The way people talk about certain subjects.  Certain types of people.  It feels like they are sentencing those people to a reduced status.  I feel like one of those people.  Just that they don't know it. 
I am not afraid to suffer.  I know what it means to be committed.  But when I hear some things at church, I wonder how people who have been or are being abused feel?  Ok, I KNOW how they feel.  They feel like they are being judged.  Being forced to just try harder.  To do more.  Somehow, the message comes across that it is the fault of the one suffering. 
Today in church I nearly sobbed outloud at one point.  I wanted to cry out...."don't you know that suffering is inevitable in any life.  It's not all about me.  But, each person has to be able to live and cope and have hope.  And there are some people in the world who squash that."
My husband acts all fine around everyone.  My stomach hurts.  He sits near me and behaves as if that's the norm.  If there's a good show then all must be ok.  I don't want ok.  I want real.  I want truth.  I am weary of being his scapegoat.  I do forgive.  Really.  Even if it doesn't sound like it.  I do see his good.  I am just trying to protect my heart.  Trying to make it.  I know God is carrying me.  I know He is able.  But, I believe He IS leading me.  Though this road and this choice IS the hard and suffering choice.  It can be the best choice in the end. 
The kind of suffering that I was enduring was not producing good fruit.  It was not bringing glory.  It was allowing him to learn to treat me badly and to keep it up.  That is not good for me, but it isn't good for him either.  I have spoken.  Often.  I have begged.  I have cried.  There has been no comfort from him.  Only condemnation. 
It's back to the story of the chickens.  He has them.  Nobody wanted them.  We don't like taking care of them....neither does he, he is too busy.  But, he has them.  So, the boys lock them up in the evenings.  He lets them out in the mornings.  I have asked him to keep them locked up.  Many times.  He acts hurt.  Acts like he will get rid of them because I am so mean.  But he always goes back to letting them out because he can.  Because the fact that I love to garden has no bearing in his decisions.  Because it is about control.  Because what I need and desire doesn't mean much.  And he makes jokes.  And everyone teases.  But it is so much deeper than the darn chickens. 
It used to be the same way about the second job.  Still is.  That because of me, he is going to have to get a second job.  He never does.  Threatens.  He has never acted like it is a privilege to care for us.  We are his burden.  Not thankful enough.  Though I have always told the kids how wonderful it is to have a dad that works and provides.  Though I have said thank you. 
From his side, I don't measure up.  I am not neat enough.  I am not frugal enough.  I am not perfect enough.  I am not so many things.  I know that what I am makes him ashamed.  So, he looks good and uses little stuff to get back at me.  It's like punishment.  And, frankly, I am a grown up.  I do get to choose some things.  I don't need to be self centered.  I don't think I am.  As a matter of fact, it has taken me a very long time to get to the point that I could even share with those who know me best.  I still don't tell most people a single word. 
But, how can it be pleasing to God and bring glory to Him to have something false?  I'm not so afraid of suffering as I am afraid of missing what might have been if I'd had the courage to do what I felt convicted that I needed to do.  The last time I felt this convicted was in the area of finances in our lives.  He would not tithe.  Would only pray about needing more money.  I was ill.  I told him what I needed to say.  So, he never prayed with me again.  AND, he let me know that I spend too much to allow for tithing.  I said it should come first.  That God would provide.  It has never ever happened.  If, in such a little thing he was so angry, so mean spirited, I know that this idea of needing time apart is going to really make him angry.  It already has.  I wait upon the Lord.  And, as the song says, strength does rise as I wait.  I feel sadly for him.  Because when it is time, no amount of intimidation is going to overpower me. 
I don't understand how something so awful can work in God's plan.  But, I still believe that it can.  Maybe it's just that I'm so sinful that I hope it.  But deep in my heart I trust God's good plan.  Plans to benefit.  Not to harm.  And I don't think He sits around wishing we would suffer more. Joining in suffering for the faith should not involve abuse.  It's only my opinion.  There are varied views.  Most christians adhere to a strict view of no divorce and no parting.  I get that.  But I am not in that place.  I think that my suffering is going to increase soon.  And I think much of it is going to come from those who do love me and want to help me. 
Maybe, we push people to hold it together because we don't want to face our own frailties and possibilities of pain?  Maybe the idea of suffering is ok if it feels like we are being punished but not ok if we choose a rough road?  I'm not really sure.
But, I know that I am weak but made strong.  And I know that my faith is growing not diminishing.  In a real God.  Not one dependent upon my rules and boxes.  So.....here begins the life of learning to walk in His path without aid of people's approval.  And in that is true suffering.