One Another

I treasure the one another verses.  I used them when training my children.  I like how they influence life.  I think that they help me to show kindness since I tend not to be a servant kind of person.  I have learned to do so.  Learned more of what it means to give from the heart.  I have loved them for years.  But, I think that I have focused on the "one" part.  On the giving.  On doing my part of that.  But, I realized today as I was praying that what makes the one anothers beautiful is not one doing it for others.  It is about the anothers....the doing within relationship, reciprocal, back-forth, round-n-round.  There is beauty in that.  In each meeting the needs of the others.  Serving the others.  And today I was sad because I realized that my life has that in so many places, but not in my marriage.  And I have always still believed it is my job to do the one anothers...,but, when it is not reciprocated, it is like pouring fresh water into the Dead Sea.  It all just ends there. 
Today was a very hard day.  Crushing in a way I have yet to fully understand.  And yet, beautiful in so many other ways.  It always amazes me how life can be that way.  How is USUALLY  is that way. 
I wonder what marriage means to him....looking like it is good for everyone else?  Because it hasn't been healthy for a very long time.  And, right now, in this time of not fighting, which I greatly appreciate....it's still not healthy, it's simply on hold.  It's not talking about anything big because I can't handle any more fighting.  So, there's a kind of uneasy peace.  But there is no foundation to build something better on.  But I keep wondering how the fake is keeping the spirit of what marriage should be.  Are people who live miserably and unkindly, more spiritual because they stayed together?  I don't think so.  He does.  Because staying together is the rule.  Not being healthy.  Not being kind.  Not doing it wholeheartedly. 
And I couldn't have that on my own.  You can't make someone be your friend. Can't make someone see you.  You can't communicate enough to make someone care or feel something that they simply don't feel. 
He says that I don't get to decide.  What he means is that he doesn't intend to let me decide what I need.  That he'll only do what is good for him.  How sad that makes me.  I wish he could actually know me and know how hard this is.  How hard and how far it has to have gone for me to be in this place.  How much I've tried to be what he needed.  Wanted.  Desired. 
And now, how I can't wait for him to be gone in the morning or on a weekend.  How my heart calms when I realize that he is busy.  How I panic when I have to be with him.  Because how do I say these things?  I've tried.  Skip the dating game, I feel like I'm living the waiting game.  Waiting for him to realize that I mean what I have already said.  Waiting for him to see that my heart has been so squashed that I can't fill it back up to offer it to him again right now.  It would kill me in a horrible way to have him crush it again.  Maybe not literally, but in every sense. 
Why do I feel so abused?  Maybe because the one anothers were not given to me.  Maybe because he only wants me as someone to use to fill himself up.
But he doesn't have anything to give in return.  Because he doesn't know what I want or need.  He can memorize a song.  Trivia.  Remember facts from long ago, but I am not in that part of his mind....because I have never held that place in his heart.  I hold the "I am committed and so I will never leave" place.  And I have grown to despise it.  But he says I'm supposed to appreciate it.  That it's biblical. 
I am really hurting today.  And soon he'll be home.  Here come the tears again.  When will the charade end so that I can have some extended time to heal.  When will I be able to get off of the emotional roller coaster?