Here I Am

Here I am, Lord.  Just like this.  Shaken.  Shaky.  Hopeful, but growing oh so tired.  wondering what it is that I'm supposed to hope for.  I hope to remain sane.  To grow closer to You.  To have healing.  I used to hope that we would have a marriage that was more than co-habitating.  That it would be a gift back to You.  And I feel so guilty Lord.  So sad that I can never be the woman that makes him want to be that too.  How do so many women do it?  What is the secret?  Why am I so lacking. 
Honestly, I have given past what I ever knew was possible.  In Your strength and in Your power, I lived through the things that are unspeakable.  And yet, still, here I am.  As unacceptable as ever.  Him cherishing me?  Right.  He cherishes stuff.  He cherishes what is done for him.  He cherishes money.  He does not cherish us.  Me, in particular, but yes, even his children.  Takes it all for granted.  I have spent so many years and tears trying to get it across that it's important.  That life goes by too quickly to miss the opportunity to love deeply.  But he does not.  He does not love me deeply.  Wow.  That is hard to even write.  And I keep blaming me.  How short I have come to what other women must be.  And, I wish that he would find someone that he can love and go on in life and be happy.  Because this whole, "not being her," is killing me.
A friend stopped me in church today.  Saw me skulking.  Wanting to watch someone play piano.  Lingering.  Trying to relax.  Tummy rumbling.  Clenched.  But, she came beside me.  Asked how I was.  I didn't say fine.  I just shook my head as I started to cry.  I told her that I can't talk about it.  Which, I can't.  Not good nor proper.  But she hugged me long.  She has great hugs.  And she told me she loves me.  And I believe it.  Strangely enough, I do.  She invited me to coffee.  I declined until another time.  We talked about her dad passing away.  It was a hard week.  She struggled.  She watched him get cremated.  But then she was talking about how her parents had been married for 58 years.  How they were not just married in name.  How they were companions.  And she looked right at me.  Perhaps, sometimes, God, You put someone there who gets something without my voice?  I am not sure, but it was interesting.  A little gift.  To my heart. 
I believe with my whole heart that marriage is about more than the paperwork.  But not to my husband.  In keeping the paperwork, he believes he has kept his vow.  And I am crushed.  Lost beneath his pile of dedication and commitment.  Never seen.  Not the important part of the marriage. 
The other day, I wondered if he died what I would do?  I don't mean, how would I take care of things and such, but how would I go around acting like a normal widow should?  I would be sad, truly.  But not in the way a wife should be.  In that way, I would be relieved.  I can't even believe I'm not deleting that.  But I've needed to get it out for so many years.  What a relief it would be to not be hunkered down under his commitment to his own pride.  It's not about what is best or good for anyone else.  It's not about living a giving life.  It's not about sacrificing....though goodness knows, I hear often enough how much he has given.
And I am sorry that I feel that way.  But, feel that way I do.  At my very core.  Without a doubt.  It doesn't mean I want anything bad to happen, I don't at all.  I just wonder if anyone could understand how bad it has had to be for me to get to this point.  I gave.  Everything.  I tried to do and be what he needed.  With my heart and soul.  I put my wants and desires aside.  I put him above.  And he trampled me.  And, eventually the time came when there was no true intimacy.  I remember when he told me how it would be easier if I just talked to my friends about things that were troubling me.  He didn't like rehashing them or listening.  And, actually, by then, I was relieved.  At least I had permission to have someone to talk to.  To ponder life's troubles and the things that were on my heart.  But by giving up my heart, he gave up me.  Because just having my body isn't me.  But for him, that's all it is. 
I know that I'm supposed to be thankful that I'm desirable or wanted sexually.  It makes me cringe.  It scares me.  I can't even breathe.  I totally have felt like a prostitute for years.  Like he pays with the favor of being a little nicer right before and then extracts what he wants.  Then goes to sleep and gets up treating me just like before.....and round and round the cycle goes.  Me hoping every time that somehow, he'll see ME and not just how to satisfy himself. 
I don't exist to him.  Not as me.  Only as what I am to and for him.  And, I learned to see myself that same way.  Trying to make the kids do and be what made him less grumpy.  Trying to appease.  Trying to please.  But those years have past.  There was not appeasing.  Only more selfishness than before.
Then, I had a slight reprieve and I rejoiced.  I thought that things were going to be better.  But, he didn't really figure it out.  He simply looked good while he was meeting with his pastor and helping out friends.  And I think that he liked the accolades.  And we all told him how manly it was to be so helpful and all.  He liked it.  But, he didn't find anything deeper than the superficial.
He sang today.  Had a little solo.  When I heard the cd in the car during the week, I knew that he would....and the tears started flowing.  For him.  He has missed out on the meaning of his life.  He has missed out on having something great to settle for his own pleasures.  To settle for seeing himself. 
And, back to what to hope for.....
Yes, I used to hope that life would come back, that things would be strong, that healing would be.  But, like a cancer patient on the final round of chemo who is losing the battle, now, I just wish that the death would not be long and lingering.  That it wouldn't hurt more people.  That everyone around wouldn't suffer.  I am looking forward to a new life....just like the cancer patient.  I am so done.  I can't tell anyone.  They can't see the cancer.  They don't get it.  So here I am.  With You.  Knowing that somehow You have brought me here.  Even though that seems all upside down.  Sometimes I think that I need the complete break if we are to ever have anything again.  We would have to start all over. 
This week I saw so clearly how You can love him right where he is and me.  Thank You for that picture.  How big and great and marvelous You are.  But now, about that job in Alaska.....