Weighed. Found Wanting.

Weighed and measured.  Completely seen.  Found wanting in nearly every way.  Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically.  No perfection anywhere.  Completely vulnerable.  And that seems to be where most christians leave it.  I mean, what's the good news in that?  That sucks!  Talk about the most disheartening, most horrible message to give someone:  God is good, you are not and He is not happy about it.  Wow.  But thankfully, that is not the whole story.  I am found wanting in every single way.  There is not perfection in me.  A battle wars for my very soul, and I am unable to lift a finger to help in it.  God doesn't ask me to do the work.  He asks me to ask HIM to do the work.  To believe that He ALREADY did the work.  To trust Him to complete what He has begun.  He who has BEGUN a good work in me is going to COMPLETE the good work in me. 
Bare.  Naked.  Nothing hidden.  Not the muffin top.  Not the sagging.  Not the cellulite.  Not the funny shaped toes.  Not the graying hair.  Nor the fuzzy legs.  Not the troubled heart.  Not the tears.  Not the unwelcome thoughts.  Not the blatant sins.  NOT ANYTHING.  Yet, He does not hover over me with a stick.  Or glare at me.  Or shame me.  He runs to me.  Covers me.  Warms me.  Shelters me.  Makes my weaknesses mean nothing because of His incredible enoughness.  (yes, I know it's not a word....I like it.)
This is the good news:  not that if I try really hard, I'll be a good girl, but if I'll give up trying and give it all over to Him, He will do His will.  No matter who or what I am.  Or you are.
My husband cannot go here.  This means that we are not in control.  This means that we are not better people if we do the right things.  Have a cleaner house.  Keep up with everything.  Worry.  Apparently, worry is on of the fruits of the spirit.....I must have missed it.  Chastising ourselves. Beating ourselves up.  Actually, beating up the emotional state of those around him to try to force them to be more "spiritual" by being more perfect looking.  Trying harder.  Always do your best.  Does anyone ALWAYS do their best??? Seriously???  And the only scale that it shows up on is the human one.  It does not even register a click on God's scale.  The trying is such a minute change that it can't possibly register. 
Grace.  Pure and amazing grace.  For those who know that they need it.  Because if you don't know that you need it....if you are still earning it....still being better than others so that you will be found more favorable than them, then you don't need grace.  You've got your plan.  I can't live that plan.  It kills me.  It has nearly destroyed me.  Keeping the house cold is good stewardship and that makes us closer to God.  Making the bed correctly (I never knew that there was a correct or incorrect way, I was just happy to have it made) is a sign of showing that you do things right.  Not wasting anything.  Ever.  Not food.  Not water.  Not anything.  Ever.  Pretty soon, we will be monitoring oxygen being inhaled at our house to be sure that it's being used efficiently.  It sounds crazy, but it's debilitating to live in this manner  Grace gets squashed.  Someone has to be blamed.  It is toxic.  It is joy sucking.  It is not for me.  I NEED grace.  To simply get out of bed.  To live.  To give.  To hope.  To belive that there is even an iota of hope for me. 
And there is.  Not because I am getting better, but because I am seeing me for who I am.  At least a bit.  And seeing that God has seen it all.  And He declared His love.  He paid the price for every little misdeed and every blatant, horrible sin.  And He isn't holding that against me.  He loved me from the beginning of time.  Adores me, even.  Takes delight in me.  Sings over me.  Strokes my hair.  Meets my needs.  Talks to me.  Hears me.  Sees me.  Is not repulsed.  Is not surprised.  I have been found wanting.  Until He covered me.  And now, I want no more.