Driving Thoughts

I know, it sounds like driving thoughts would be the core thoughts of life...the things that drive me forward, move me onward.  Well, welcome to my reality.  I drive.  A lot.  Lots of kids.  Can you say "high school"?  Lots of events.  My own work.  I drive.  I run in circles some days.  It is better in the years where I have a kid driver.  But, this morning I was on chauffeur duty. 
As I picked up a boy that was riding with us and headed in the direction of school, the light from the dash stunned me.  Left a car with the gas light on. AGAIN.  %*$()%^$$(##*(*(^ At my home, I always get stuck with the gas filling.  No matter what car I am left with, it is inevitably on empty or near empty.   Again, +_)#%^&*&*!#$$&*(!!  How dare he.  I do most of the driving for the kids.  Make sure I take care of filling up when I need to.  Thankfully, I didn't run out of gas on the way to the school....because I would have been a tad irritated.  Understatement is of good use in moments like these. 
I filled up near the school....albeit the more expensive gas station, I wasn't risking driving another 7 miles back into town to save a few cents when the light had already been on....
I filled up and got in and started to drive again.  Then it hit me.  I had forgotten a portion of my morning's musings.  In my half asleep state, I had decided that I shouldn't write anymore.  Should focus on becoming "that" woman.  that I have no skills, I'm not helping anyone, it makes no difference, it.............wow.  The train wreck of piled garbage flooded back into my heart; my now awake heart.  I did not weep.  Not this time.  This time, I laughed!!!  I don't think it is simply a rebel being born in me.  I think that I am beginning to see how I will never fit in.  I will never be the woman who meets those criteria.
And that got me to thinking.  His parents and family are coming in a couple of months to celebrate our son's graduation.  I am glad that my kids have extended family.  Glad that they have so many people to love them.  But, the last time they were all here for a graduation, I was nearly destroyed.  And this time...well, I can't exactly sleep on the couch if someone else is.  Logistics.  I have to figure it out so that I don't have to do or be something false.  That is going to be very difficult.  I'm sure not unexpected to my mother in law since she has always viewed me as wrong.Wrong in every way. 
So, it looks like I should find a way to start cleaning up the house.  And perhaps I should buy those bins to put those cheap Christmas candles with the orange bulbs in so that they can be taken out to storage and off of the piano?  Maybe.  Ha.  I have a really hard time living in my house.  Being here.  I want to make it my own.  Want to have it clean and pretty.  I know how.  I know what I want, but his presence freezes me.  Strangely, when he was gone last summer for a few weeks, it was so different.  I had plans and was excited.  I'm not sure if it's depression or stubborness or just simply an inability to cope.  Whatever it is, I'd better figure it out if my kid is going to have a great party.  It ws hard the last time around.  I had worked so hard....and all I heard was how I needed to "get the house ready."  Ha.  This is ready.  Snort.  Chortle.  Get over it.
Last time I had a mantra...."I don't answer to her."  I reminded myself over and over.  I stayed away as much as possible.  Maybe I'll stay elsewhere.  I  have to stay sane.  Have to keep my heart in order for my kids.  For me.  For the sake of honoring this life I've been given.  But, how?  Not sure.  Terrified.  Llike I am the self-fulfilling prophecy of what his mother has always said about me.  I guess she was right.  I'm not good enough for him.  I guess his brother was right, I'm not spiritual enough.  I guess his dad was right, I'm too sassy.  (for the record, I actually liked the sassy.....) But where does that leave me?  It's my house for pete's sake.