The Hard Things

For him, the hard things are all about money.  Every last one.  He didn't come to the animal hospital to comfort.  He didn't come to say he cared.  He came to be sure that we were money "wise".  I know how much money it would be to save our cat.  I just wish that he could be someone who sees more than that.  Who could comfort his child more carefully than he guards his pocket book.  What a shame. 
I can't stand the idea that now I'm going to be the one responsible for keeping baby kittens alive.  And if they die, I'm going to be the one that has to help the kids through it.  Crushing.  I want out of here tonight.  I need someone who can actually know how broken hearted I am.  How horrible it was to call my daughter.  To tell her.  To hold her close to comfort her.  To pray with her that her cat would be ok while I knew that her dad was going to choose to euthanize the cat.  He called.  Said, "don't worry, I'll stay with her and rub her head......" like that somehow made it ok.  I am crushed.  I am devastated.  I am bereft.  Not only because of my cat but because it hit so hard that he truly doesn't know how to care for me....my heart....our kids....their hearts. 
Nothing matters but what is affordable.  I know it was a lot of money.  I know she might not have lived anyway.  I am not stupid.  What I regret is his inability to try to shoulder the pain for his little girl.  To have compassion and understanding.  Just about did me in.  Seriously.  I don't know if I can do this.  Talk to him when he comes home.  Face him.  Knowing that his main thought was dollars.  I get having to say no.  I don't get how you can not comfort...not hold....not be the strong one.  What a wimp.  I have less respect than ever.  I am not so angry as I am disgusted. 
I have to cover for him.  Let his daughter think that he did all he could.  What a crock.  Feels like I'm always covering.  "Dad really loves you...he shows it by asking you to play ball."  "Dad works hard to take care of you."  Does saying it make it true?  Maybe in their minds.  Maybe that will be enough.