Being Still

In our marriage, my husband has never been able to sit still with me.  Be with me. If I am talking to him, he is in and out of the room.  Or working outdoors and I can sit there. No matter how deep the subject, he cannot just be with me.  It is his way of letting me know that I should be accomplishing more.  Sitting around less.  He can take a nap sometimes.  He just can't be with me. 
I think that through the years that has spoken volumes to me.  It has affected me in every other relationship.  It makes me feel like I'm not worth making time for.  Like I am an inconvenience.  I fight hard against this.  try to be at rest anyway.  Try to remember that maybe other people do have the time.  But I know that I appear antsy, uncomfortable, worried. 
I am learning though.  Learning that people can take the time.  For me.  To be still. To hear me.  My words, but even moreso, my hearts.  And I'm trying to learn that I don't need to feel guilty for that.  Still, every time someone gives me time or simply stops to be with me, I feel like I've used up some time on a meter.  Like I need to get going.  Let them get back to the things that are important.
On the other hand, there are a few who make me feel like I AM the important thing.  Like wherever I am, however I am, I am worth taking time for.  They must wonder at my strange behavior when I feel the sudden urge that I should leave.  Now, I take a deep breath.  I try to relax and rest in the company of those who care.  A little hard to do when my heart is racing and my my mind is thinking that I'm not worth it......well, I don't think it exactly like that, but that is the base of what I'm thinking.
Because of the one who supposedly loves me.  Is supposedly committed to me.  Because in all of these years I have never rated that kind of time.  I would say it was just his personality.  However, I've seen him give it to others.  It's weird.  It's hurtful.
Funny how I'm not angry or horribly upset like I used to be.  Now, I am just seeking to understand.  to see it for what it really is.  Not for what I wish it was.  Not for how it "should" be.  Just as it is. 
How it is is a little painful.  Always makes me wonder what's wrong with me that I'm not worthy.  There has been a shift though. Maybe nobody is to blame.  Maybe it's just how it is. Looking back I can see how perhaps he never really did seem that way.  He liked to be physical.  Who doesn't when they are engaged, right?  He liked to talk about his work and sports.  I listened.  That was good.  and it continued.  And that is still good.  Except that I have grown up and realized that relationships that are continually one sided will one day get so out of balance that they will topple.  We have toppled.  And because I won't resume the previous way, we have to figure out if we can build something new.
He has a lot of good qualities.  He is your basic good man.  With music skills.  Handy man skills.  He's strong.  Physically, at least.  But he doesn't see me.  All he can see of me is whether I am his or not.  I matter to him as I affect him.  A tragedy really. 
I fought for years to have a great marriage.  Did not want to settle for status quo.  I wanted to love God.  Be purposeful.  One person can't just be along for the ride, looking for ways to tear down.  It doesn't work.  Not in any relationship.  So, I find myself being still.  Waiting.  Nothing in life is easy.  And no matter what happens, it's not easy to heal.  But I do have to live in the reality of how things are now so that I don't lose my sanity.  I do have to learn that I am allowed to be still.  I do have to learn that I am worth others beign still with or being still for.  Because the people who really know me think so.  I think.  I hope.