Seeking NOrMaL

I am finding that life is hard.  I can't relx in my own home.  It doesn't feel like me.  I painted my family room....awhile back....he hated it.  Said, "I like white."  Seriously???Well, you used to say colors were good.  Sigh.  I want to do some things.  I woke up with them on my mind.  And then I stayed away and avoided them.  Don't want to battle about stupid things. 
I want rugs on my hardwood floors.  And beautiful throws for my living room.  Not because it's cold, but to be cozy.  I want a cohesive, comfortable place to be.  With curtains that keep out the world, but over my huge windows that allow my beautiful tree view in. 
I am needy in a funky way.  A way of self expression.  I used to have a business where this need was met.  It made him happy.  I didn't mess with stuff.  I didn't tweek.  Change things.  But now, I am going kinda crazy with it.  I can't buy things to put in because that takes money and that causes conflict.  Shoot, a month ago I was buying myself books.  He stood at the bookshelf when I was trying to go to sleep and perused the inside covers of each one.  Checking prices I'm pretty sure since he doesn't read novels. 
And now I can hardly buy a book again.  Funny how quickly the tears well up over something so stupid.  So stupid.  It shouldn't matter.  All of these stupid little things that shouldn't matter.  Why do they feel so horrible?  Like I am being kept captive. 
I just want to live normal.  Go to my home.  Not flee.  Relax.  Breathe.  Every time I think I'm there, I wind up feeling traumatized. 
I told him I might need him to move out for awhile if I get a job so that he wouldn't have financial responsibilities.......that didn't go so well.  I am not seeking any one thing.  Well, maybe renewal.  Healing.  Hope.  But living like we are, I am afraid that bitterness and such will creep in and things will get to a point of no return.  But he will not hear me. He wants what HE wants.  Even if it costs me everything.  I told him it would.  Tears again.  Hard to live with someone who doesn't care.