Faultering

I do know how to spell.  It's a play on words.  That when I most "falter", it is when I'm claiming fault.  When I'm blaming myself not only for what I am responsible for, but for what I am not.  Hence, "faultering".  It's a dangerous place to be.  Full of doubt and trouble.  It means giving up faith and things that help to hang onto what caused something in the first place.
"If I were prettier."  "If I was smarter."  "If I was sexier."  "If I was more responsible."  "If I were less weird."  "If I was kinder."  "If I was more understanding."  "If I could learn to enjoy those things that hurt me."  "If I could pretend better."  "If I could be more like...."  On and on goes the list in my head and my heart.
That is not guarding my heart.  If God says that HE doesn't condemn me, then what am I thinking?  I don't know.  But I know that someone "needs" to be blamed and it is probably me. 
Oh, I see who he is too.  See his shortcoming and all.  But I still take the responsibility. 
False responsibility.  There are things that I am at fault for.  I am not at fault for others.
I need to learn to quit faultering.
But it's hard.  In a movie last night the woman said, "we are supposed to make each other feel safe."  And I knew that I have never felt that with him.  Though he feels it from me.  I have never felt like he'll do what it takes to make things right in my world....or even want to.  And, I did for him for many years.  Willingly.  Believing that it was my duty and trying to make it my pleasure.  But as time goes by, the actions become empty as I have just become someone he takes for granted.  Well, not now so much since I don't do much for him.  But that is what he wants back.  Not me.  Not my happiness.  Not who I am.
And I can give it.  But it will mean the end of being able to look forward to being me.  And I feel guilty....because it's hard to decide.