Sick and Tired

Years ago, I began having horrible symptoms of fatigue and pain.  The doctors did their research.  They kept saying that perhaps that it was because of having so many kids....that it was DEPRESSING me.  Ha.  My kids have been my sanity.  It's easier to see more clearly now.  My body DOES react to high tension and stress situations.  Rarely to do with my children.  I remember my husband calling my friends wondering what to do when I had a horrible headache one night years ago. I was beside myself.  Couldn't sleep.  Was just wanting to die.  Literally.  What he didn't say was that this call and this "attack" came after a shaming of session.  Of my being found less than adequate.  Looking back, I see it more clearly.  I don't think that all of what is wrong came from him, but I do know that the stress exacerbates whatever it is.  I figured it out more this summer when he was gone and the time was coming for him to come home.  The physical pain mounted.  More headaches too...which makes sense since they almost always follow the musco-skeletal pain increase.  I was so stressed about him coming back that I could barely function.  Barely breathe.
I don't know what to do.  I do know that I told him long ago that I associated the two.  So, do I have to go on anti-depressants to survive marriage?  It seems like marriage is supposed to be the opposite.  Over and over again it has been the thing that is THE greatest stress in all of my life.  And that's saying something.  My life was not a piece of cake.  I've asked for change.  He will not, I am convinced now.  Just always acts like he just can't understand, or that he understands and he might as well not live or.....fill in the blank.  But never, "I do see you.  I do understand.  I will treat you differently."
So, I spend time sick and tired.  However, it has been better lately.  Less time to be in the drama helps me immeasurably.