A dream can become a nightmare in short order. A bad guy shows up. Fear enters. Discord begins. But, today I was seeing how easily a nightmare can become the dream....the bad guy goes away, fear is dispelled, harmony and peace take root.
My nightmare is not meant to last forever. Last night, I moved things in the living room so that I would hear if he came in. So that I wouldn't be startled. I stretched out on the couch instead of the chair that I've been in for a week and a half. Still can't make me comfy pallet that he intruded upon. Perhaps I never will. Gosh, my body is trembling just thinking of it.
When I decide to actually go forward, I know that there's no going back. No taking back the words. No getting out of the trouble that might come. I want to be as rested and as prepared as I can be. I want to visit the safe shelter. I want to have a plan ready. He likes to blindside me. It has taken me all of this time to realize this. I remember how hard I worked to make him look good. To keep up his reputation. To be gracious to him. To honor him. Today I was thinking how that was never reciprocated. I am not protected nor covered physically nor emotionally. I am left to hang when it suits him. And, it usually does. It's like he thinks that I get what I deserve. And...that I probably do. And probably will.
But I will not live a nightmare for my life. I will change it.
Dreams aren't perfect....but they definitely are not nightmares. I hate horror shows. Tranquility is my style. Fun. Kind. Real.
I have great friends. I have people who love me though I don't have a traditional family to fall on. I know that it won't be the same. I struggle with knowing some of the women that I value as role models will not understand. Will be hurt by my decision. But, I don't want to explain it to make him look bad. Not sure what to do. Others already see. Harder to give up those that I love and admire than the man who is supposed to be with me forever......because I don't admire him. And, he has not shown me real love.
My heart races. Waking up from the nightmare and seeing what really is takes courage. It's hard to wake up. But, like in a nightmare, my mind keeps calling to me the truth......and that there is somewhere safe in reality to live.
So, gotta do it. Gotta get out of the nightmare.
grace to you.
My nightmare is not meant to last forever. Last night, I moved things in the living room so that I would hear if he came in. So that I wouldn't be startled. I stretched out on the couch instead of the chair that I've been in for a week and a half. Still can't make me comfy pallet that he intruded upon. Perhaps I never will. Gosh, my body is trembling just thinking of it.
When I decide to actually go forward, I know that there's no going back. No taking back the words. No getting out of the trouble that might come. I want to be as rested and as prepared as I can be. I want to visit the safe shelter. I want to have a plan ready. He likes to blindside me. It has taken me all of this time to realize this. I remember how hard I worked to make him look good. To keep up his reputation. To be gracious to him. To honor him. Today I was thinking how that was never reciprocated. I am not protected nor covered physically nor emotionally. I am left to hang when it suits him. And, it usually does. It's like he thinks that I get what I deserve. And...that I probably do. And probably will.
But I will not live a nightmare for my life. I will change it.
Dreams aren't perfect....but they definitely are not nightmares. I hate horror shows. Tranquility is my style. Fun. Kind. Real.
I have great friends. I have people who love me though I don't have a traditional family to fall on. I know that it won't be the same. I struggle with knowing some of the women that I value as role models will not understand. Will be hurt by my decision. But, I don't want to explain it to make him look bad. Not sure what to do. Others already see. Harder to give up those that I love and admire than the man who is supposed to be with me forever......because I don't admire him. And, he has not shown me real love.
My heart races. Waking up from the nightmare and seeing what really is takes courage. It's hard to wake up. But, like in a nightmare, my mind keeps calling to me the truth......and that there is somewhere safe in reality to live.
So, gotta do it. Gotta get out of the nightmare.
grace to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.