As I walked to the car to take the kids to school this morning, with a book in tow so that I could kill time at the park reading until hubby went to work....I was, as usual, thinking. And what I realized is that while I know and accept where I am in my marriage, I always hold out hope. I look carefully at each new moment to see if maybe I am wrong...maybe things are better than I think. It is who I am. I like who I am. I like for there to be good. I like to find the good. But, I also realized that if I find it right now, it will cause me great pain. Because I will still say goodbye. I will still know that I can't live like this. Even if he's not an evil monster, which it would be easier if he was in some ways....he is someone who repeatedly hurts me. With his words. With his attitudes. With his sense of self. And therein is my guilt. Because while I can justify and rationalize walking away from someone who never changes, I am afraid that he is changing or will change and that I am the one being a hard hearted b****. Because I'm supposed to forgive. To love. To give. To serve. And those are things that I LONG to do. That please me to do. That I pleasure in doing. But NOT for him. Not anymore. NO more. Because, unfortunately for him, I am finally turning the corner on it all and knowing that even if I am the horrible hard hearted one....I am still done. Because in my life, I need some time where this woman who loves to give gets to actually give to herself. No desire to be selfish...just self caring. I desire life. And life more abundantly. I feel like I have settled for scraps.
Someone yesterday told me to grow a spine. Because she knew I would have wanted to take my son to the airport. Some spine growing goes on undetected....but, it does happen. And, when the timing is right, it will work.
I have looked over my fears. There is nothing that can't be made ok. There are solutions. And, I really can't spend the next forty years sleeping fitfully, always wondering what is coming next, avoiding my home. hiding behind a screen if I get stuck being there when he is....it's not much of a life.
Someone yesterday told me to grow a spine. Because she knew I would have wanted to take my son to the airport. Some spine growing goes on undetected....but, it does happen. And, when the timing is right, it will work.
I have looked over my fears. There is nothing that can't be made ok. There are solutions. And, I really can't spend the next forty years sleeping fitfully, always wondering what is coming next, avoiding my home. hiding behind a screen if I get stuck being there when he is....it's not much of a life.
You are loved and being prayed for. God is surrounding you now with his loving arms and holding you tight to Him. You are courageous, braving a new frontier for yourself and children. You are in a preparation state. Allow yourself the time you need to think, even overthink. You will know when the time is right and you will move forward, chicks in tow. You will persevere. Take all the time you need to think and overthink because you it will serve you well in the future. Once you've moved forward you will never look back and wish you'd done something differently. Thinking is good. Buttkickers understand. You are SO loved.
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