Wow. It amazes me that the year went by. That I am still standing. At the beginning, I was completely overwhelmed. I was so distraught. And, in some ways, I still am, but not in most. I have grown. I have changed. I have stepped into the arms of the One who loves me and found Him to be faithful. Even when I don't look like a nice neat Christian package. Even when I don't LOOK like what my little world has told me I should. He is so much more. So much bigger. He has met me and He has comforted me and He has shown me that I am His. And His terms and conditions are not burdensome. He made me...so, He likes me.
This has been a very good year. And very awful. Facing the truth about my marriage head on has been deeply painful. And healing. And though I wish that I could run away from the pain, I am finding that I have much to learn. Much to absorb from the lesson of this pain. Probably not what my husband wishes, but I am not responsible for meeting his wishes. I am responsible for who I become. For what I do. For what I don't do. I am responsible for being willing to grow. I am responsible if I choose to live my life as a victim.
And this last week it has hit me very hard that while I really have been a victim, I don't have to live as one. I can choose to live free. To be held by the One who created me.
This year I completed my recertification to teach. I got a subbing position in my local district. I have helped to build a friend's business. I have chosen where to sleep. I have decided to live on my own terms. Not to be constantly berated for what I am not. And that even if I am berated, I will continue to be me.
This year, I have turned my back on religion. Not on faith. I have turned toward relationship. I have painfully pried my fingers off of the grip of what people might think of me so that I can live free. So that I can do and be what I was created to be. And some have stayed. Some have seen me and applauded. Others have been appalled. Terrified. Both are to be expected. Neither one has to hurt me. I do not NEED a stamp of approval from everyone. Just from those that really matter. Those that were placed carefully in my life to show me what it means to love and give and learn. What it means to walk and become. What it means to reach for something spectacular instead of holding on to what seems sure.
This has been a very hard year. A very hard last week of the year. But I am stronger than before. I can stand. I can walk. I can run. I can fly! I can do ALL things because Jesus give me strength. Just where I am. Just how I am.
I am thankful. Bruised. Battered. But ever so amazingly, blessedly HOPEFUL.
grace to you.
This has been a very good year. And very awful. Facing the truth about my marriage head on has been deeply painful. And healing. And though I wish that I could run away from the pain, I am finding that I have much to learn. Much to absorb from the lesson of this pain. Probably not what my husband wishes, but I am not responsible for meeting his wishes. I am responsible for who I become. For what I do. For what I don't do. I am responsible for being willing to grow. I am responsible if I choose to live my life as a victim.
And this last week it has hit me very hard that while I really have been a victim, I don't have to live as one. I can choose to live free. To be held by the One who created me.
This year I completed my recertification to teach. I got a subbing position in my local district. I have helped to build a friend's business. I have chosen where to sleep. I have decided to live on my own terms. Not to be constantly berated for what I am not. And that even if I am berated, I will continue to be me.
This year, I have turned my back on religion. Not on faith. I have turned toward relationship. I have painfully pried my fingers off of the grip of what people might think of me so that I can live free. So that I can do and be what I was created to be. And some have stayed. Some have seen me and applauded. Others have been appalled. Terrified. Both are to be expected. Neither one has to hurt me. I do not NEED a stamp of approval from everyone. Just from those that really matter. Those that were placed carefully in my life to show me what it means to love and give and learn. What it means to walk and become. What it means to reach for something spectacular instead of holding on to what seems sure.
This has been a very hard year. A very hard last week of the year. But I am stronger than before. I can stand. I can walk. I can run. I can fly! I can do ALL things because Jesus give me strength. Just where I am. Just how I am.
I am thankful. Bruised. Battered. But ever so amazingly, blessedly HOPEFUL.
grace to you.
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