Decisions

So much running through my mind.  Not a bad thing.  Simply a fact. Looking with new eyes.  Thinking new thoughts.  What do I really want?  What do I want to accomplish in who I am becoming?  How do I make myself feel safe.....not only BE safe, but FEEL safe.  While he says that feelings are nothing, I disagree.  I need to feel safe.  To be held.  To know that I can rest.  Let down.  Not be hyper vigilant.
How does that look?  I could let him take the living room.  Not sure if I could.  Afraid he would still feel ownership of the bedroom and intrude.  But, maybe not.  Hard to know.  Have to make a plan.
Clean out.  Pack up.  Sell the house.  But that might be too much on my kids.  They have lived here a long time.  It's a place to come home to.  Yet....he likes the house more than I do.  Has his chickens.  His projects.  Letting him buy it makes sense.  Not sure if he can qualify.  Hmmm.
I can finally say the words that these are things that I need.  But it's hard not to put disclaimers.
But there being decisions is a good thing.  It means change.  And I NEED change.
You ever wish that you could just talk randomly and not make sense for about 10 hours?  I hardly ever wish that...but that is where I am now.  My poor friends.
grace to you.