Today is his men's early morning Bible Study. He leaves early. But, sometimes he swings home between that and work. So, I conveniently stay busy until it's a "safe" time. I know that it shouldn't matter. But it does. I'm still shaking right now hoping that I waited long enough. Sometimes it runs over. Then he shows up later. I can't handle being caught alone with him in the house right now. Too much trauma. Too much drama. Too much fear.
He is calling me "dear" more than ever. I've said my words. I've explained how hurtful. But if he only says three words to me in a day...one WILL be dear. Maybe it seems stupid. But it is just another way that I feel as if I don't matter. That he will do what he wants because he can.
I think that he needs to move out. A tax refund could provide the money for him to have a place. I think that he thinks that how it is now is enough separation. It's not. It's like rubbing sandpaper on a wound every day. It doesn't heal very well.
What to do when someone won't hear you. Won't choose to honor what you need. One thing is for sure. It isn't love. It's ownership. It's winning. I want to "set it up" so that he doesn't have his competitive nature kick in and have to win. I want to speak amicably. I want to be the woman I know that I can be. But, I have to figure out how to keep her strong enough so that she can be brave AND kind. I don't want to incite. I don't want to provoke. But no matter what I say or how I say it, he behaves as if that is what I'm doing. I never get a chance to be the one that is hurting and needing tlc. If I'm hurting, he's hurting more. And, usually, I'm the cause of it.
The residue of too many years has caused a waxy build up. It's going to take special care and lots of elbow grease to take off the coverings of the past so that I can shine as the woman I am supposed to be. In some ways I just want to run far away. But that wouldn't take it off either. I have to face this. I have to face whatever he throws. And I have to do it knowing that now it is not going to cause more build up but rather, it is going to help remove it. Because I am aware. Because I can make a different choice. I made what I thought was the right choice all of those years. But now it's a new time and I need to make new choices. Choices that include people who really hear and see. Who trust and love. Who allow me to give to them and understand what I'm giving and who I am. I have spent too long pretending. Too long accepting things. Too long trying to be content in all circumstances. Sometimes, it's foolish to accept circumstances that you can change. If you own two houses, one in a swamp and one on a mountain, you have to CHOOSE which one to live in. I have to choose what life to live. Each day is new. Each moment. I am not trapped (though, often I feel that way right now). I am not a victim. And the residue is just that.....something that occurred before but that doesn't have to be permanent. I know just the Guy for the removal process. And He has been kind enough to send along a few helpers. I have to do work too. I have to allow it. Even when it hurts. I have to listen to the helpers and participate. But I don't have to do it all by myself.
Got residue? Seek the Remover.
grace to you.
He is calling me "dear" more than ever. I've said my words. I've explained how hurtful. But if he only says three words to me in a day...one WILL be dear. Maybe it seems stupid. But it is just another way that I feel as if I don't matter. That he will do what he wants because he can.
I think that he needs to move out. A tax refund could provide the money for him to have a place. I think that he thinks that how it is now is enough separation. It's not. It's like rubbing sandpaper on a wound every day. It doesn't heal very well.
What to do when someone won't hear you. Won't choose to honor what you need. One thing is for sure. It isn't love. It's ownership. It's winning. I want to "set it up" so that he doesn't have his competitive nature kick in and have to win. I want to speak amicably. I want to be the woman I know that I can be. But, I have to figure out how to keep her strong enough so that she can be brave AND kind. I don't want to incite. I don't want to provoke. But no matter what I say or how I say it, he behaves as if that is what I'm doing. I never get a chance to be the one that is hurting and needing tlc. If I'm hurting, he's hurting more. And, usually, I'm the cause of it.
The residue of too many years has caused a waxy build up. It's going to take special care and lots of elbow grease to take off the coverings of the past so that I can shine as the woman I am supposed to be. In some ways I just want to run far away. But that wouldn't take it off either. I have to face this. I have to face whatever he throws. And I have to do it knowing that now it is not going to cause more build up but rather, it is going to help remove it. Because I am aware. Because I can make a different choice. I made what I thought was the right choice all of those years. But now it's a new time and I need to make new choices. Choices that include people who really hear and see. Who trust and love. Who allow me to give to them and understand what I'm giving and who I am. I have spent too long pretending. Too long accepting things. Too long trying to be content in all circumstances. Sometimes, it's foolish to accept circumstances that you can change. If you own two houses, one in a swamp and one on a mountain, you have to CHOOSE which one to live in. I have to choose what life to live. Each day is new. Each moment. I am not trapped (though, often I feel that way right now). I am not a victim. And the residue is just that.....something that occurred before but that doesn't have to be permanent. I know just the Guy for the removal process. And He has been kind enough to send along a few helpers. I have to do work too. I have to allow it. Even when it hurts. I have to listen to the helpers and participate. But I don't have to do it all by myself.
Got residue? Seek the Remover.
grace to you.
Dear Grace,
ReplyDeleteI am wondering if you have ever considered the possibility that you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If you think it a possibility, you may want to read about it and find some treatment in your area. There are specialists and specific medications that can help clarify things, and it sounds like that might help you. Just a thought from a faithful reader.