Take it Easy

I am in such a hard place lately.  Need to work to change things, but in a place in life where taking on too much new might truly prove to be too much.  I am hurting.  I am not doing as well as I was.  I looked for apartments yesterday.  Online, not in person.  Then I wondered what I was thinking.  How could I possibly even go there?  Really?  The sense of pain is so overwhelming.  If I try to keep him happy, play nice, do what he wants, then it's a bit more peaceful but at the cost of myself.  I have to be the one to make it good.  And I'm tired of that.  Weary of it.  He stays home tomorrow.  I literally shudder.  Tears.  Throat closes up.  Head feels cloudy.  It's not just a little bit of stress...it's OVERWHELMING.  And he likes to remind me how he has these extra days because he didn't get to go on vacation.  I wish that he would care enough about me to care how much he is hurting me.  But lately I've been thinking that maybe it's purposeful.  Thought out.  I usually figure that it's simply bad habits or bad training.  Sometimes I think that it's just because it's too hard for him to try to love me.  I am not what he wishes I was.  And that hurts me.  A lot.  Deeper than I ever say.  Because no matter what the reason, it all comes down to the fact that he will not choose to help me.  He will not make life better for me.  And he won't let me out gracefully to make it better for myself.  I am not sure that I can fight about it.
I gave my money that I earned last month to the general fund.  I didn't make much.  But, I gave it.  It makes me sad.  Sad that I went out to buy stuff for myself and had to use the general money....and that it will be such a big deal.  And that I used the credit card so that I can actually be the one to pay it off.  I've needed boots for years.  I finally bought them.  And some sweaters.  I will pay for this.  It's hard just knowing it.  But, I did it.  And that is progress.
I have bills to pay and I know that I need to work.  But the work is going to have to be very specific..something that I can do and survive the great emotional upheaval.  Because frankly, I'm spent.  I literally crashed today.  Only for a couple of hours.  I could have slept the entire day and night.
Last night I thought about booby trapping the living room so that I could rest peacefully.  How sad is that is what I thought today?  I deserve to get to sleep.
I need to take it easy on myself.  And at the same time push forward.  It's a fine line.  Listening when I pray.  Not to the voice of fear but to my Father.  He knows how frail I am.  He will carry me.  He will show me.
I am just so sad.
grace to you.