I made it through a night. I sat in the tv room with the kids. Watched a favorite show. He came home. He sat "above" us in the kitchen at the bar. I shuddered occasionally, but I made it. How? Well.....frankly, I was picturing how life was going to be soon enough. My bedroom. My bed. My place to be. A safe place. Picturing my dog. Silly things really. But they made me breathe a little calmer. Not perfectly. But, progress is good. I thought about how nice it would be to do the things around my house that I wanted to do. Setting up. Enjoying.
I don't understand parts about the woman I've become. There are things I don't like much. And I want to change those things. I do not want to ever again be unaware of giving away my very self. But if I tell him that he tells me that I'm supposed to belong to him. That I'm supposed to do that.
I was remembering tonight the first time we went skiing together. Not long after we married. My missionary aunt and uncle (who had married us) were in town and we headed up the hill. It was my husband's first day. He took a half day lesson and then hit the slopes with the rest of us. He is very athletic. He was doing fine. Better than the average first timer. I was skiing with him. We would go from one flat stopping place to the next. Meeting up. But, my uncle took me aside and asked me to ski with my aunt and give them guy time....and said that it might be hard on my husband's ego that I could ski and he was just learning. So, I skied the rest of the afternoon happily after kissing my husband and saying bye. He seemed fine. He acted as if it was a good idea. And then. I know, right? There's always an "and then" in my life....and then later I got the hurt feelings, how could I have left him, basically he was angry but showing it by making me feel badly for having skied. I struggled. I hadn't done anything to hurt. But, I apologized. I tried to see it from his point of view. He hadn't been left alone. He had had a fun time. But....the fact that I had a fun time without him wasn't acceptable. Somehow, it tickled somewhere in my brain that it was strange. Now, I know why.
It's why I can't wait to be on my own. For all of the scary hard things that will come with it. I just need to breathe! And unclench. And wiggle my toes. ;) I have to stop living in this constant dread and stress.
I was brave tonight. Soon, I will plan the time to talk further about what separation looks like. Where? How long? I know that I have to do it....that's how he is. Make me choose, decide or lead....then be irritated or disappointed or angry or hurt.....and the bottom line is that it will have to be my fault. I get that. I've even figured out how to tell the kids if he wants to do it together. I will tell them that it is my decision. That I've asked for it. I won't let him PUT it on me. I will take the responsibility. Because it is mine to take. And my kids might hurt. They might be angry, sad and hurt. But they will love me. They will try to understand. Because we have a relationship.
One night down until the day.
Oh, and today I thought.....a tax return could be a deposit on a home for him. Big enough for the kids to stay. Bottom line, that's important to me. I will never give him the opportunity to say that I kept the kids from him. Or tried to make them bitter. I won't do it. But he will have to figure out how to build a relationship. I can't do that for him.
Guess I better rest. Another work day tomorrow.
grace to you.
I don't understand parts about the woman I've become. There are things I don't like much. And I want to change those things. I do not want to ever again be unaware of giving away my very self. But if I tell him that he tells me that I'm supposed to belong to him. That I'm supposed to do that.
I was remembering tonight the first time we went skiing together. Not long after we married. My missionary aunt and uncle (who had married us) were in town and we headed up the hill. It was my husband's first day. He took a half day lesson and then hit the slopes with the rest of us. He is very athletic. He was doing fine. Better than the average first timer. I was skiing with him. We would go from one flat stopping place to the next. Meeting up. But, my uncle took me aside and asked me to ski with my aunt and give them guy time....and said that it might be hard on my husband's ego that I could ski and he was just learning. So, I skied the rest of the afternoon happily after kissing my husband and saying bye. He seemed fine. He acted as if it was a good idea. And then. I know, right? There's always an "and then" in my life....and then later I got the hurt feelings, how could I have left him, basically he was angry but showing it by making me feel badly for having skied. I struggled. I hadn't done anything to hurt. But, I apologized. I tried to see it from his point of view. He hadn't been left alone. He had had a fun time. But....the fact that I had a fun time without him wasn't acceptable. Somehow, it tickled somewhere in my brain that it was strange. Now, I know why.
It's why I can't wait to be on my own. For all of the scary hard things that will come with it. I just need to breathe! And unclench. And wiggle my toes. ;) I have to stop living in this constant dread and stress.
I was brave tonight. Soon, I will plan the time to talk further about what separation looks like. Where? How long? I know that I have to do it....that's how he is. Make me choose, decide or lead....then be irritated or disappointed or angry or hurt.....and the bottom line is that it will have to be my fault. I get that. I've even figured out how to tell the kids if he wants to do it together. I will tell them that it is my decision. That I've asked for it. I won't let him PUT it on me. I will take the responsibility. Because it is mine to take. And my kids might hurt. They might be angry, sad and hurt. But they will love me. They will try to understand. Because we have a relationship.
One night down until the day.
Oh, and today I thought.....a tax return could be a deposit on a home for him. Big enough for the kids to stay. Bottom line, that's important to me. I will never give him the opportunity to say that I kept the kids from him. Or tried to make them bitter. I won't do it. But he will have to figure out how to build a relationship. I can't do that for him.
Guess I better rest. Another work day tomorrow.
grace to you.
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