Today I went to a women's once a month study....this season, it is about "fractured families". I wasn't sure that I could go. However, when it came down to it, I would rather be there than at home. I didn't make it through the introduction part before my tears began. And I thought that I could hold it all back...I did an admirable job, if you admire such things, but couldn't hold it all back. The speaker quoted how wounded hearts don't heal in the midst of shame and guilt. I nearly completely lost it. That's why I can't heal where I am. I am truly trying. I am truly strong. I remembered that today. And how full of courage I am. But it doesn't keep it from being hard.
Then she talked about our histories...our family trees and how they affect us. Patterns from the past generations. I KNOW what I learned. I learned that if I keep people content then my life will be easier. If I accept what is then I can remain happy. But, it doesn't work anymore. And that's why I feel like such a failure. This is harder than any of my childhood. I cannot make him happy. I am the disappointment. He wants me so that he doesn't fail. This week I realized that perhaps I am standing in God's way of healing him....because at some point, he is going to have to learn that he can totally fail and that God won't love him any less...nor anymore. And I can't stay.
I have avoided talking to him. Because when I do, all I have to say is that I need time away. Maybe forever. I can't say. I have no idea. No clue. But my heart is incredibly wounded. Feels like I'm bleeding out.
And she talked about how we are all needed. And all need the others. It should be true. But isn't necessarily. I think that some people are just relieved when the hurting "disappear".....then they don't have to figure out what to do or what to say.
Today was hard. The discussion part. It wasn't bad or mean. Just felt incredibly like each person was trying to say that you will have a good life of blessing and will be changed and be good if you remain close to God but that if you don't, then it's exhibited by the bad things that happen. And. Well. That contributed to my shame and guilt without them meaning it to. I've tried so hard to love Him. To let Him just love me. To follow. But life is hard....at least for me. Even when I am intimate with Him. Don't know how to fix it. Maybe I AM the heathen. Maybe I am the cause of this horrible mess? That hurts. I don't think that I believe it. But....it seems like what most christians believe. If you follow, you will be blessed. If you don't, then life will be messy.
So, basically I feel run over by a truck. Like I could sleep for hours. Have things to do. Should be cleaning my house. No way I want to be there. My kids are all gone. Nope. Can't have any idea how drained all of this has made me.
But in the midst. I know that I am loved. Know that there are those who stay. Who hold on while I can't. I cried again when we were singing. Well, when my girlfriends around me were singing and I was soaking it up. It was a picture to me of how others can carry the tune when I just can't "sing". And that's ok.
grace to you.
Then she talked about our histories...our family trees and how they affect us. Patterns from the past generations. I KNOW what I learned. I learned that if I keep people content then my life will be easier. If I accept what is then I can remain happy. But, it doesn't work anymore. And that's why I feel like such a failure. This is harder than any of my childhood. I cannot make him happy. I am the disappointment. He wants me so that he doesn't fail. This week I realized that perhaps I am standing in God's way of healing him....because at some point, he is going to have to learn that he can totally fail and that God won't love him any less...nor anymore. And I can't stay.
I have avoided talking to him. Because when I do, all I have to say is that I need time away. Maybe forever. I can't say. I have no idea. No clue. But my heart is incredibly wounded. Feels like I'm bleeding out.
And she talked about how we are all needed. And all need the others. It should be true. But isn't necessarily. I think that some people are just relieved when the hurting "disappear".....then they don't have to figure out what to do or what to say.
Today was hard. The discussion part. It wasn't bad or mean. Just felt incredibly like each person was trying to say that you will have a good life of blessing and will be changed and be good if you remain close to God but that if you don't, then it's exhibited by the bad things that happen. And. Well. That contributed to my shame and guilt without them meaning it to. I've tried so hard to love Him. To let Him just love me. To follow. But life is hard....at least for me. Even when I am intimate with Him. Don't know how to fix it. Maybe I AM the heathen. Maybe I am the cause of this horrible mess? That hurts. I don't think that I believe it. But....it seems like what most christians believe. If you follow, you will be blessed. If you don't, then life will be messy.
So, basically I feel run over by a truck. Like I could sleep for hours. Have things to do. Should be cleaning my house. No way I want to be there. My kids are all gone. Nope. Can't have any idea how drained all of this has made me.
But in the midst. I know that I am loved. Know that there are those who stay. Who hold on while I can't. I cried again when we were singing. Well, when my girlfriends around me were singing and I was soaking it up. It was a picture to me of how others can carry the tune when I just can't "sing". And that's ok.
grace to you.
Dear Grace,
ReplyDeleteWhat you heard is judgement and lies. I'm sorry. I am a believer. But we live in a sinful world. A life of purity, a life of love, does not necessarily produce joy. A life of disobedience does not necessarily produce horrible consequences. There are no RULES. God did not intend for us to understand His promises like you heard today. It is a generality. Every persons life is different, and remember, you find joy in discovering those special differences in your children, friends, etc. God wants us to follow Him, receive His joy in Jesus and His Word, Spirit, etc. But if we believe that if we have one we have the other, it's a fallicy. It's wrong because of our sinful world. It's not YOU, dear Grace. You are full of wonderment, and to think that you are responsible or somehow the cause of the pain you are feeling is WRONG. You have accepted responsibility for yourself. Please know in your heart that you are just but a sinful woman forgiven by Jesus. Take joy in that and ask Him to cover you from a kind of "eutopian" Christian viewpoint that is devoid of sin that permeates our world. We want perfection, but until we reach those pearly gates we will not find it. You are loved. (I'm tired, I hope this makes sense. It is written in love to be comforting, if anything is off it's my own exhaustion, sorry)
What I heard didn't feel like "judgement". It just felt like misconceptions. It felt like the people had tried to put order to their world and that is how they managed to do so. It is a "reap what you sow" kind of mindset. Nobody told ME that I was doing it wrong...because I didn't talk. They were talking about other things. It just was a recurring theme in each comment. I doubt if they even heard it. The theme was: if you remain intimate with God then you will be blessed and if you do not, then life will be full of consequences. The secondary one was that if you do not remain intimate then your decisions will affect everyone around you and hurt them. That really killed me because I feel like I am walking on a wall of me making it and totally ruining my kids and other around me or me not making it but everyone else being ok. I don't want my life and my desires to screw up everyone else's lives.
DeleteNobody was unkind....they didn't know. They didn't say unkind things on purpose. It's just that most people have a "go to" philosophy that is how they solve problems and how they believe the world works.
I know that the world doesn't JUST work that way because if so then christians who are walking with God would not lose their children to cancer or other horrors. And those who do harm, sell drugs, corrupt youth, make money using children, WOULD lose their own children. If the world worked where those who are close to God get good and the others don't....it would be VERY clear. At least, that's what I think.
This was all just on top of another rough week. Too little sleep the night before.
grace to you.
Dear Grace,
DeleteYou explained that a lot better than I did. Thank you for understanding me. It's such a "way out there" kind of a concept (yours and mine) that it's difficult to put words to. You did so eloquently. You are right, it's not judgement, it's misconception. And it happens often, in the midst of many difficult circumstances like losing a child or parent, etc. It can be so hard because people tend to compartmentalize these horrific type of events in their mind so as to understand them or perhaps avoid them completely. I surely do love your words, you have much to give. Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts and life. It is not an easy journey, and one you recognize as difficult. But writing is so helpful and you are incredibly articulate. I pray that you touch many lives with love from your experiences.