I know that I have done what I had to do. What works to keep me safe. What will make me the mom I need to be to my children. I have no doubt about it. I still haven't cried. I just feel.....emptied. Drained. Like it was so long coming. Such a long wait. But, there are these parts that wonder. Not doubt. But wonder. Why, and when is it ok with God to say enough? Are there guidelines? Because I guess that in keeping with wanting to be in His will, I wonder about such things. I wonder if I'm just selfish. Perhaps dying to self means ceasing. I don't think so. It doesn't seem right. But I can't justify my thoughts.
Except for that voice in my ear. The One that keeps calling me forward. That keeps encouraging me. God has not abandoned me. And though I may not be "in the right", His grace carries me.
I am so weary. I need to be taken care of. Feels like when I had surgery. Yep, I'm home. And, today I should be productive because I'm without husband. But all I feel is limp. Like after a big hike and once you stop, you just practically melt.
It's hard. My husband tells me how good he is to me. How he takes care of me. Yet he has harmed me more than any other. Has put me in a place that hurts me so deeply.
I am done. I say it. I mean it. It's not a threat. It's just a fact. Doesn't even feel that emotional on my part. Just feels like doing what has needed to be done for a long time. A relief. But, most of the loss has passed for me. I do need to be patient. Allow him to suffer his loss. And I need to get stronger. Because there will be a battle ahead.
I'm going to have to be able to ask for help. Because I don't think I can do it all alone.
grace to you
Except for that voice in my ear. The One that keeps calling me forward. That keeps encouraging me. God has not abandoned me. And though I may not be "in the right", His grace carries me.
I am so weary. I need to be taken care of. Feels like when I had surgery. Yep, I'm home. And, today I should be productive because I'm without husband. But all I feel is limp. Like after a big hike and once you stop, you just practically melt.
It's hard. My husband tells me how good he is to me. How he takes care of me. Yet he has harmed me more than any other. Has put me in a place that hurts me so deeply.
I am done. I say it. I mean it. It's not a threat. It's just a fact. Doesn't even feel that emotional on my part. Just feels like doing what has needed to be done for a long time. A relief. But, most of the loss has passed for me. I do need to be patient. Allow him to suffer his loss. And I need to get stronger. Because there will be a battle ahead.
I'm going to have to be able to ask for help. Because I don't think I can do it all alone.
grace to you
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