A little dreaming has a lot of power in my life. It's as if it takes some of the here and now pressure off and shows a light in the distance. I dream about the day that I will be free from living like this. Of peace. This week I've been perusing house swaps for overseas living, homes by the beach in a favorite little town, value of my current home. I have been working on my will and writing out my exact thoughts. I have figured out how much I need to make and how much he would be "expected" to give. Though, I'd rather not go that route. I have been looking for friendly divorce hints. My desire is not to spend enough to fund a small country in order to simply live in peace.
I have been researching jobs and really thinking about what I really want to do and be....and what is actually feasible. I've been figuring how to make enough money to be comfortable and help others.
I have been forcing pictures of my future life into my mind. To spur me on in this funk of depression that has settled in since last week's latest episode in the ongoing saga. And the pictures do that to a degree. He talks about how he's afraid that he'll lose me...but it's never that he has wanted me. Afraid that his marriage will end, but he ended it years ago. How come it's ok to be ended on his terms but not on mine? Why do I suffer so much when I absolutely know that I have done everything for years and years to make it work? Not saying that I'm all in the right, just trying to say that I was willing to give everything and he had no interest. He didn't care how I felt, what I needed or how it was destroying me. Even when I said that I was completely finished. He didn't care and didn't hear. Until he didn't get sex. Until he faced not losing me, but losing face. Maybe he is trying to change. I'm not really sure. Mostly I feel like he tries to convince me how dumb I am being. How I've had it so good. "How could you do this? How could you harm your children like this?" And I hear it to my toes. I am not hard hearted. But, in this, I am resolved. I walked back too many times when I was this afraid. Gave it another chance. Tried harder. Prayed to be a better wife. To be more willing to give. But now all that sustains me is hope of a future without him. Making it through the now is important too though. Planning. I have to figure out how to be wise and find good work in the midst of my life and emotions falling apart.
I have been a basket case. And mostly, I have no place to be so. No place to just sob. Because, even if it's what I want, I still feel like I've failed....for good reason....I have failed. Sometimes failure is what is necessary. And sometimes letting go and giving up is ok.
I feel like my view of God and His grace has grown. My husband feels like I am less Godly. I'll have to live with it. I keep reminding myself that he is not the barometer of my spiritual life. But it still hurts. I carried him for so long on this front. Believed for him. Bolstered his faith. Was the spiritually strong one. Guess it's more painful to now be told that I'm doing what is against God. What I believe to the depths of my soul is that HE did what was against God and expected the fact that I would always stay to cover it. He harmed me horribly and his biggest expression of remorse is "I have made some mistakes and will make mistakes again." He doesn't own his behaviors...he simply glosses them over with "I'm only human." Well, I guess he should understand better that I am only human as well.
Here's to dreamin'. To gettin' through the hard times with hope of the future. To holdin' on to who we are until the day comes that we are strong enough to push free of the current that holds us.
grace to you.
I have been researching jobs and really thinking about what I really want to do and be....and what is actually feasible. I've been figuring how to make enough money to be comfortable and help others.
I have been forcing pictures of my future life into my mind. To spur me on in this funk of depression that has settled in since last week's latest episode in the ongoing saga. And the pictures do that to a degree. He talks about how he's afraid that he'll lose me...but it's never that he has wanted me. Afraid that his marriage will end, but he ended it years ago. How come it's ok to be ended on his terms but not on mine? Why do I suffer so much when I absolutely know that I have done everything for years and years to make it work? Not saying that I'm all in the right, just trying to say that I was willing to give everything and he had no interest. He didn't care how I felt, what I needed or how it was destroying me. Even when I said that I was completely finished. He didn't care and didn't hear. Until he didn't get sex. Until he faced not losing me, but losing face. Maybe he is trying to change. I'm not really sure. Mostly I feel like he tries to convince me how dumb I am being. How I've had it so good. "How could you do this? How could you harm your children like this?" And I hear it to my toes. I am not hard hearted. But, in this, I am resolved. I walked back too many times when I was this afraid. Gave it another chance. Tried harder. Prayed to be a better wife. To be more willing to give. But now all that sustains me is hope of a future without him. Making it through the now is important too though. Planning. I have to figure out how to be wise and find good work in the midst of my life and emotions falling apart.
I have been a basket case. And mostly, I have no place to be so. No place to just sob. Because, even if it's what I want, I still feel like I've failed....for good reason....I have failed. Sometimes failure is what is necessary. And sometimes letting go and giving up is ok.
I feel like my view of God and His grace has grown. My husband feels like I am less Godly. I'll have to live with it. I keep reminding myself that he is not the barometer of my spiritual life. But it still hurts. I carried him for so long on this front. Believed for him. Bolstered his faith. Was the spiritually strong one. Guess it's more painful to now be told that I'm doing what is against God. What I believe to the depths of my soul is that HE did what was against God and expected the fact that I would always stay to cover it. He harmed me horribly and his biggest expression of remorse is "I have made some mistakes and will make mistakes again." He doesn't own his behaviors...he simply glosses them over with "I'm only human." Well, I guess he should understand better that I am only human as well.
Here's to dreamin'. To gettin' through the hard times with hope of the future. To holdin' on to who we are until the day comes that we are strong enough to push free of the current that holds us.
grace to you.
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