I Remember

I remember...and that's what hurts.  I remember hearing his heart beat and knowing how fragile life was.  And hoping not to be left to learn how to deal with life alone.  I remember the day he said he loved me.  Singing a song....Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog....just blurted it out.  I remember our first date...to a wedding...he was late.  I remember the day he asked me to marry him....he was late then too...almost missed the time since he was doing it over the loud speaker at school.  I remember the day our first son was born.  I remember being in bed with my third son for months.  I remember so many memories that we made together.  And I acknowledge them as good.  And how I wish that he could have given me love and compassion.  That he would have seen me.  That he would have taken the time and had the interest to think that I was worth it.  But for every one of these memories....there is a painful one to go with.  Or more.  I've always tried to hold onto the good.  I don't want to change that.  I force it to the back of my mind some days so that it doesn't hurt so much.
I have a sense that he will never understand the depth of the pain he has caused.  That I can't make him know how my heart was terribly broken.  Shattered.  How I wanted it to be good...for real.   How I wanted to be the one that made his eyes light up and brought out a sense of compassion.  But, I bring out a sense of judgement in him.  He always wants something from me.  He uses me to feel better.
I remember.....there are good things.  Things that I would not give up.  But, there is a future that I'm not willing to give up either.  Hope.  Peace.  Joy. And yes, even though it makes him furious...happiness.
Maybe one of the reasons I feel so sad is that he can never get how deeply I have loved.  And how long it took before I decided to protect myself.  How close to the brink of total despair I had to get.  How I gave chance after chance.  Hope after hope.  Dream after dream.  But my dreams don't matter to him.  Now, if he thinks it will get what he wants, he will ask about writing...but not with understanding.  Only with an agenda.  I can't keep writing agendas for him so that he can make "relationship".  And I can't keep giving him the benefit of the doubt because I remember what I hoped for.  What I thought I was getting.
Yes, I remember.  And I will learn to hold those good things close.  And release the rest.  And move on.  But not with him.  Because he causes more and more pain.  He ignores it.  He ignores my needs.  He only sees him.  We can hopefully be nice.  It is my prayer.  Our kids deserve at least that.
I remember what I hoped for in marriage.  Praying together.  Hoping together.  Someone who would be my friend...as well as my being his.  It has just never worked.  No good foundation.  And what I've learned is that I can't build it on my own.  It's like trying to get one board out of the bottom of the pile by yourself...all of the rest on the pallet go falling and the one trying to do it gets hurt.
I'm writing modern day parables.  But I think that perhaps they are too depressing.  Shocks me since I actually have a lot of hope....maybe I'll have to keep looking for the "right" thing for me to write.  But all writing is good for me at this point.  I'll grow and change and become better.  And one day, I'll travel...or stay home at my little house by the sea.
grace to you.