I was courageous. I spoke. I said that I need a separation. I didn't battle. I spoke with him at church. After services. He asked to go home and talk about it and I said no that I didn't feel safe. I don't know what it's going to look like. He doesn't seem like he'll actually go.....said that he won't walk out on his family. But, still, I was brave. I said what I need and I set my boundaries. I said no more bullying. That if he tells me what he is allowed to do because it is his right by marriage then I would be sure that we were no longer married. I didn't cry. I still haven't. I'm spent. Yet not sleeping. Needing comfort. But don't know how to find that. Time will pass. It will get easier.
My fear is that he will treat it as he always has....as if nothing happened. Dismissing it. It cost me so much. Hurting someone is not pleasant.
I apologized that I have hurt him over and over in the past year and a half by moving out of our room. By closing him out. Told him that I have to be safe. That he can't tell me to heal and just expect it to happen. Told him that I am wounded deeply. That I have tried and tried to keep going on. To honor and help him.
I also told him that I've helped him get to a place where he has more people that are closer to him. That he doesn't have to be alone. That he can seek help.
I know that he's hurt. Angry. Probably shocked. Although, I told him that it's not like the first time I've mentioned it. I reminded him that I've asked him before to go for a time to give us time to get healthy...and that he has refused. It just continues to get worse to stay on the same rutted path.
I need to write. Yet, I don't have much to say. I need to sleep. But, I'm still in the living room. It was a hard day for my body. As well as my heart. I feel absolutely drained Yet, like I can't sleep. Need to cry probably...but afraid that I won't be able to stop.
I fled today. I don't want to be here now. Should have gone to get a hotel room. Didn't think of it.
I really need a day to sleep. To put my head under the covers. But I don't know how to get that. So, I'll just hope that this night's sleep is enough.
grace to you.
My fear is that he will treat it as he always has....as if nothing happened. Dismissing it. It cost me so much. Hurting someone is not pleasant.
I apologized that I have hurt him over and over in the past year and a half by moving out of our room. By closing him out. Told him that I have to be safe. That he can't tell me to heal and just expect it to happen. Told him that I am wounded deeply. That I have tried and tried to keep going on. To honor and help him.
I also told him that I've helped him get to a place where he has more people that are closer to him. That he doesn't have to be alone. That he can seek help.
I know that he's hurt. Angry. Probably shocked. Although, I told him that it's not like the first time I've mentioned it. I reminded him that I've asked him before to go for a time to give us time to get healthy...and that he has refused. It just continues to get worse to stay on the same rutted path.
I need to write. Yet, I don't have much to say. I need to sleep. But, I'm still in the living room. It was a hard day for my body. As well as my heart. I feel absolutely drained Yet, like I can't sleep. Need to cry probably...but afraid that I won't be able to stop.
I fled today. I don't want to be here now. Should have gone to get a hotel room. Didn't think of it.
I really need a day to sleep. To put my head under the covers. But I don't know how to get that. So, I'll just hope that this night's sleep is enough.
grace to you.
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